Joke for the Day: Add more if you want

[TotallyOz]

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, What's wrong with you? In a weak voice the little guy says, What EXACTLY did you say to me?

The big dude says, I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.

The small guy says, Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!":)

[Guest hitoallusa]

How one measure the weight of one's testicles?? Anyways, 20 inch it's longer than a foot long sandwich from Subway... Hmm why does it have to be that big...

[AdamSmith]

(1) How one measure the weight of one's testicles?? (2) Anyways, 20 inch it's longer than a foot long sandwich from Subway... Hmm why does it have to be that big...

(1) Archimedes' Principle? (NOT Archimedes' Screw!)

(2) And this from the guy who thinks the REST of us around here stuff strange things up our asses.

[wayout]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[Guest hitoallusa]

lol... That's so funny...

[JKane]

I was blessed with a rather large penis.



After that my local priest was arrested.

[AdamSmith]

If Helen Keller falls in the forest, is there a sound?

[Guest lurkerspeaks]

Q----Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz2Men?

A- He wanted to know if they delivered.

Q- What did the lady say to Micheal Jackson at the beach?

A--Pardon me sir, but can you please get out of my sun (son)..

[AdamSmith]

Q. What did Michael Jackson have in common with O.J.'s returning to the scene?

A. They both wanted to get there before the fuzz.

[wayout]

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

[Guest hitoallusa]

Lol.. He might not get in by not marrying his bf and having sex lol.. I want marriage equality

so that a lot of gay guys I know can't say no to marriage... They will no excuse..

[eeyore]

I met a hot guy on Grindr. He said come on over, nobody's home. So I went over. No one was home...

[lookin]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the owner says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.'

[Guest hitoallusa]

Aww I want that dog too.. I would love to have a dog that can tell good stories...

[AdamSmith]

Bill asked his friend George, "What became of your old hound dog?"

He said, "I sold him for $5,000."

Bill said, "George, you know you never got $5,000 for that old hound dog."

He said, "No, I did not get it in cash, but I got it in trade. I took two alley cats which were estimated to be worth $2,500 apiece."

-- Sen. Sam Ervin, Voting Rights Hearings, 1965

[Guest hitoallusa]

Lol...

[Guest EXPAT]

Pretty funny cartoon. . .

[wayout]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth extracted.

The dentist takes out a syringe to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles! I hate needles". the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when your tooth comes out."

[AdamSmith]

[Guest EXPAT]

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop at anytime.

I asked a priest one time how you make holy water. He said you boil the hell out of it. . .

[RA1]

Similarly, how do you cook kidneys? You boil the piss out of them.

Best regards,

RA1

[wayout]

I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop at anytime.

I asked a priest one time how you make holy water. He said you boil the hell out of it. . .

Ok, you started it Expat....here we go:

Punography:

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra and ordered a martini.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington - obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[AdamSmith]

[AdamSmith]

[AdamSmith]