I'm voting for President Obama because, during his second term, we will not hear the following things from him -- although we may have heard them from his political opponents:

1. "I don't know where [Osama bin Laden] is. I just don't spend that much time on him ... to be honest with you."

2. "I'm not concerned about the very poor."

3. "I am only going to allow small bills -- three pages. You'll have time to read that one over the dinner table."

4. "One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It's not OK."

5. "The life of each human being begins with fertilization ... at which time every human being shall have all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood..."

6. "I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk."

7. "Drill everywhere. ... There is no such thing as global warming."

8. "Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school."

9. "What the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy."

10. "It is three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, Education, and the -- What's the third one there? Let's see."

11. "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me."

12. "The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it."

13. "Corporations are people, my friend... of course they are."

--Lemony Snicket, contributor to the

90 Days, 90 Reasons Initiative

 

In collaboration with:

George W. Bush (

)

Mitt Romney (2, 11, 13)

Hermain Cain (3)

Rick Santorum (

, 7)

Paul Ryan, co-sponsoring the Sanctity of Human Life bill (5)

Mike Huckabee (6)

Newt Gingrich (8)

Sarah Palin (9)

Rick Perry (10)

Rush Limbaugh (12)

This essay originally ran as part of 90 Days, 90 Reasons. For more essays, written by people such as Judd Apatow, Russell Simmons, Paul Simon, Reza Aslan, and Michael Stipe, go to 90days90reasons.com.

Pretty hideous indictment.

...Is there an argument to be made that the entire country deserves a Detroit-style bailout, wherein we get to (1) wash out 60% of our overhanging debt and (2) fire the 60% of our constituents who are value-sucking idiots?