Transcript: President Obama's 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech

“I look so old, John Boehner has already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.”

Now, look, it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. Six years into my presidency, some people still say I’m arrogant and aloof, condescending. Some people are so dumb. (Laughter.) No wonder I don’t meet with them. (Laughter.)

And that’s not all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime. (Laughter and applause.) It’s quite a coincidence.

You know what, let me set the record straight. I tease Joe sometimes, but he has been at my side for seven years now. I love that man. (Applause.) He’s not just a great Vice President, he is a great friend. We’ve gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won’t serve us pizza anymore. (Laughter and applause.)

I want to thank our host for the evening, a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented Cecily Strong. (Applause.) On “Saturday Night Life,” Cecily impersonates CNN anchor Brooke Baldwin. Which is surprising, because usually the only people impersonating journalists on CNN are journalists on CNN. (Laughter.)

ABC is here with some of the stars from their big new comedy, “Black-ish.” (Applause.) It’s a great show, but I have to give ABC fair warning—being “Black-ish” only makes you popular for so long. Trust me. (Laughter.) There’s a shelf life to that thing. (Laughter.)

Anyway. (Laughter.) It’s amazing how time flies. Soon, the first presidential contest will take place. And I for one cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick.

It’s exciting. Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. Who will finally get that red rose? (Laughter.) The winner gets a billion-dollar war chest. The runner up gets to be the bachelor on the next season of “The Bachelor.” (Laughter.) I mean, seriously, a billion dollars. From just two guys. Is it just me, or does that feel a little excessive? (Laughter.) I mean, it’s almost insulting to the candidates. The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get folks to like one of these people. (Laughter.) It's got to hurt their feelings a little bit. (Laughter.)

And, look, I know I’ve raised a lot of money too. But in all fairness, my middle name is “Hussein.” (Laughter.) What’s their excuse? (Laughter and applause.)

Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event. (Laughter.)

And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. (Laughter.) We could get a third Obama term after all. (Laughter and applause.) It could happen.

Funny stuff! Thanks.

Was curious how it came to be and here's some background. Apparently, the process begins with the President's own speechwriters, in particular a chap from your alma mater named David Litt.

President Barack Obama meets with Cody Keenan, right,

Director of Speechwriting, and Presidential Speechwriter David Litt

in the Oval Office, April 30, 2014.

(Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

There was supposedly a saying in government circles during WWII:

If you have something that absolutely must get done, get a Yale man.

Jimmy Doolittle got a few things done and his engineering degree was from MIT.

Best regards,

RA1

The absence of eating clubs, in contrast to Harvard and Princeton.

https://vimeo.com/76620144