AdamSmith

Election Night Special (Racy music) Cleese: (talking very fast, as do all the commentators): Hello, good evening and welcome to Election Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we should be getting the first results through any moment now. We're not sure where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now let's go straight over to Leicester. Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife. Idle: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith... Cleese: Sensible Party Idle: ...30,612. (applause) Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty... Cleese: Silly Party Idle: ...33,108. (applause) Cleese: Well there's the first result and the Silly Party has held Leicester. What do you make of that, Norman? Palin: Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald. Chapman: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you. Palin: I think one should point out here that in this constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er, 29. Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin? Idle: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television? Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to Luton. Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin-bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result. Woman: Alan Jones... Cleese: Sensible Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong... Cleese: Slightly Silly Woman: Nought. Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuitbarrel... Cleese: Silly Woman: 12,441. (applause) Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman. Palin: Well this is a highly significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga. Cleese: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton. Idle: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result? Palin: Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly noises including a goat bleating). Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton? Chapman: Er... no. Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin? Idle: Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television? Cleese: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another result. Palin: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this: in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast. Jones: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Cleese: Silly Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker... Cleese: Sensible Jones: 26,318... Cleese: Very close! Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) 'We'll keep a welcome in the...' (fires gun) William (makes silly noise) 'Raindrops keep falling on my' (weird noise) 'Don't sleep in the subway' (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith. Cleese: Very Silly Jones: ...two. Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split. Palin: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong. Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance? Neil Innes: Not at all. As I always say: Climb every mountain Ford every stream, Follow every by-way, Till you find your dream. (Sings) A dream that will last All the love you can give Every day of your life For as long as you live. All together now! Climb every mountain Ford every stream... Cleese: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman. Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald. Cleese: Right. Er, Colin? Idle: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again? Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristol -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas Hume has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all gone 'Ni ni ni ni ni ni!' in Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm bored! Palin: He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time. Chapman: Absolute waste of time. http://www.montypython.net/scripts/election.php

The Guardian is having a high old time with its coverage. ...We are already off and running with continuously supplied coverage of the vote, with virtuoso live bloggers Claire Phipps, Paul Owen and our top UK politics blogger Andrew Sparrow taking over for the home stretch. The virtue of the live blog is that even when theres nothing happening, theres something happening, in the form of analysis, background info, apposite anecdotes, entertaining asides, dazzling photography and definitely maps. We defy you to read the blog and not come away a better-informed, pleasantly amused and possibly even better-looking citizen... ...In the US, C-SPAN 3 will be simulcasting BBC coverage of the referendum, with Huw Edwards hosting, beginning at 5.35pm ET. Recommended. Be advised that this election will not, however, go the full Blitzer, meaning there simply wont be a granular detail in the results to warrant holograms of news presenters breakdancing on swing counties in Ohio. Worsening matters, the Scots have decided somewhat uncreatively to tally the Yesses against the Nos and declare whichever side has more the winner, instead of jerry-rigging an electoral college to spit out results that are not actually results. That said, if one side is really winning, that may become apparent as late evening falls in the United States... ...To mark this historic occasion, even if it turns out not to be historic although even a No vote would be quite memorable, wouldnt it? the Guardian interactive team has built a single-serving website, AreTheScotsIndependentYet dot com, elegantly summarizing the political disposition of Scotland. Currently the answer is No. We advise readers to keep the site on your phone or laptop and feverishly refresh it through the night until the No changes to Yes or fails to change to Yes, as the case may be (which still would be a quite notable outcome). If the word has not changed by around 3am ET, it should be safe to stop refreshing, unless by that point you are merely entertaining yourself, in which case by all means carry on. http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2014/sep/18/how-to-follow-watch-scotland-independence-referendum-channel

Just checked, and found that FourAces' allmaleonline.com domain registration is expired. No idea how long ago. Still hoping the best for him.

Gordon Brown's extraordinary speech today: I want to tell the people of Scotland of that patriotic vision of the future of Scotland. Proud of our Scottish identity. Proud of our distinctive institutions. Proud of the Scottish parliament we have created. Proud, that with the powers we have given it and without the need of separation, the NHS in Scotland will always be in public hands, properly funded and free at the point of need forever or as long as the people of Scotland want it. And proud we are increasing the powers of that Parliament decided tomorrow with a 'No' vote, delivery the day after tomorrow which will mean faster, better and safer change than the uncertainty and disruption offered by the Nationalists. And we are proud also and this too is our patriotic vision that we Scots led in cooperation and sharing across the United Kingdom, from our common defence policy and our shared currency, to UK pensions and the UK minimum wage across four nations, with contributions on the basis of their ability to pay and to each according to their needs. And contrast this patriotic vision with the Nationalist vision, which is to end all links with the UK, with the risks that entails. And that is what this vote tomorrow is really about. Not about Scotland being a nation, we are a nation forever yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's not about the Scottish Parliament, we have it and its powers are increasing, but whether and this is the question you want to break every last link with the UK and I say I don't want to end UK pensions, UK passports, the UK pound, the UK welfare state, the UK funded health service or the UK minimum wage. So let us tell people of what we have done together. Tell them that we fought and won a war against fascism together. Tell them there is no war cemetery in Europe where Scots, English, Welsh and Northern Irish troops do not lie side-by-side. We fought together, suffered together, sacrificed together, mourned together and then celebrated together.

 And tell them that we not only won a war together we built a peace together, we created the NHS together, we built a welfare state together.
We did all this without sacrificing within the union our identity, our culture, our tradition as Scots. Our Scottishness is not weaker, but stronger as a result. And what we created together, let no nationalist split asunder. 

And tell the undecided, the waverers and those to still make up their mind, being falsely told that you cannot be proudly Scottish and vote no, that this is our Scotland.

 Tell them Scotland does not belong to the SNP.

Tell them, Scotland does not belong to the 'Yes' campaign.

 That it doesn't belong to Mr Salmond or Mr Swinney or to me or any other politician.

 Tell them Scotland belongs to all of us.

 And tell the Nationalists, it's not their flag, their culture, their country or their streets.

 Tell them it's everyone's flag, everyone's culture, everyone's country and everyone's streets.

 And tell them that our patriotic vision is bigger than nationalism; we want Scotland not leaving the UK, but leading the UK, and through leading the UK, leading in the world.

 And tell the undecided, the unsure, those thinking of voting yes today but who can be persuaded to vote no tomorrow.

 Tell them that we who vote 'No' love Scotland.

 The Scotland of the Scottish Enlightenment and Scottish inventors; the Scotland that is the pioneer of the right to work and yes, the right to free health care; the Scotland that is author of the welfare state and international aid.

 And we achieved all this and far more not outside the Union, but inside the Union. Not in spite of the Union, but through the Union. And there is not one part of us that is lesser as a result. And so tell the undecided, the persuadable and those who were going to vote yes and now see some of the risks. Tell them of the risks. 

Tell them of the seven deadly risks pushing us through an economic trapdoor from which there is no escape. A yes vote runs the risks of a disputed currency, debt default, having to immediately raise tens of billions of pounds for currency reserves, higher prices in the shops, higher mortgage rates, making one million jobs in sectors from defence to finance vulnerable and a fiscal black hole. Before, it was the risk of the unknown. Now, it's the risk arising from the reality of the known. But the greatest risk to our health and public services isn't the one posed by independence. The biggest threat to the NHS is not the Union. With their secret plan for half a billion pounds of cuts, it is the SNP.

 Let's tell the people of Scotland they are not saving the NHS but using the NHS to save the SNP. Let the people of Scotland be clear that the SNP don't wake up in the morning with a mission to save the NHS, they wake up with a mission to use it to create a separate state. And then tell the undecided, the unpersuaded, those who know the risks and those who think the SNP are progressive, tell them we have a vision for the future of Scotland. 

A vision that will bring a divided Scotland back together again.

 Not a Scotland when the eyes of the world are upon us is a Scotland of intimidation, threats, insults, abuse and recriminations. 

I know the Scotland of Adam Smith and John Smith is better and bigger than this. 

A Scotland, yes, with a strong Scottish parliament for fairness.

 And yes, strong for equality across the UK. It is not for ourselves alone that we fight; we do not seek prosperity, security and strength for just us and no one else. Everywhere, at every time, at every level, including within the UK, our instinct, our desire, our demand, and our dream for social justice is not through separation, but for a world of social justice. 

This is the dream that we can live for and will never die off. This is the great cause that is worth fighting for and will endure. For the real separation we want is not from England, but from poverty.

 The real independence we want is not from our neighbours, but from inequality and deprivation.

And the real freedom and liberation we want is not from one country, but freedom from injustice for every country, in every part of the world, now and for the decades to come. 
And what message would a Yes vote send to a world of discord, conflict and division, that the Scots who for centuries had championed cooperating across borders through a partnership of solidarity and sharing with the UK, had given up, stopped sharing and smashed partnership with others. That the Scots had abandoned cooperation and turn their back on solidarity. That the country which had been a beacon to the world had become smaller, not bigger in the eyes of the world.

Tell them the opposite is true.

 On Friday, if we wake to a 'No' vote, we will still be Scots, Scots yesterday, today and tomorrow, and the work of social justice will go on.

 So tomorrow I will cast my vote not for me, but for my children, for all of Scotland's children and their future. And to those Nationalists who say this is our time and this is our moment yet know this vote is irreversible, I say this cannot be a vote just for our time. It cannot be a selfish vote, not even for one moment. This is not a vote just for one time, this is a vote for all time.

 Because this vote cannot be undone or redone, this cannot be a vote just for us, this generation and this time. When there's no going back I have to take into account my children, our future and the century ahead. And so if you have any doubts about the future unresolved, any questions unanswered, any risks unexplained, if you don't know, then you have to vote 'No'. But if you, like me, believe the way forward is not separation but justice through cooperation, then I say to you today: Hold yourselves with dignity. Have confidence. Our values are the values of the people of Scotland.

 Have confidence. Our stronger Scottish parliament meets the needs and aspirations of the Scottish people. 
Have confidence. Our future lies in cooperation and sharing, and not in separation and splitting apart. That unity is our strength. 

Have the confidence to stand up, be counted and say for Scotland's sake: not now, not this time, not the risks, no thanks. Have confidence to stand up and be counted and say, for Scotland's future, 'No'. http://www.buzzfeed.com/jimwaterson/gordon-brown-delivered-a-passionate-speech-against-independe?s=mobile

'IT'S THE ARTS'/ JOHANN GAMBOLPUTTY... OF ULM In the foreground we see a telephone. In the very distant background we see the 'It's' man. The telephone starts to ring. The 'It's' man runs towards the camera and the telephone (speeded up). He arrives at the telephone, picks up the receiver and is about to speak into the mouthpiece when he remembers the camera. He puts his hand over the mouthpiece and says to the camera: It's Man (M.P.): It's... He returns to the receiver. Animated opening titles. Caption: 'NEXT WEEK' Caption: 'HOW TO FLING AN OTTER' Caption: 'THIS WEEK' Caption: 'THE BBC ENTRY FOR THE ZINC STOAT OF BUDAPEST (CURRENT AFFAIRS)' Caption: 'THESE CAPTIONS COST 12/6D. EACH' Cut to presenter in studio. Superimposed Caption: 'ARTHUR FIGGIS' Lose caption. Pause. Caption: 'THE SAME. A FEW SECONDS LATER' Superimposed Caption: 'THAT'S £4.7.6 SO FAR ON CAPTIONS ALONE' Superimposed Caption: 'NOT INCLUDING THAT ONE' Man (M.P.): (rushing in) I thought you did that so well Mr. Figgis, could I have your autograph? Figgis (G.C.): You certainly can Presenter signs autograph. Part of his signature gets away (animation) and eventually leads us into the title: 'It's the Arts'. Classical music plays. Figgis: Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties...I'm sorry...Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm? To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm. We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern... (fades out) Cut to old man sitting blanketed, in wheel-chair, as he speaks, intercut with shot of interviewer nodding and looking interested. Karl (T.J.): Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de von... Interviewer (J.C.): (as he speaks intercut with shots of Karl nodding and trying to look interested) Yes, if I may just cut in on you there, Herr Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, and ask you - just quickly - if there's any particular thing that you remember about Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm? No response. He shakes the old man, then gets up and listens to his heart. Realizing with exasperation that his interviewee has died, he starts digging a grave. Cut back to presenter. Figgis: A tribute to Johann Gambolputty... Cut to Viking. Viking (J.C.): ...de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter... Cut to weedy man in pullover with National Health specs. Man: ...crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle... Cut to knight in armour. Knight in Armour: ...dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher... Cut to a succession of animated characters. Mona Lisa: ...apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic... Lon Chaney: ...grander- knotty- spelltinkle... Policeman: ...grandlich... Pig: ...grumblemeyer... Policeman: ...spelterwasser... Boar: ...kurstlich- himbleeisen... Botticelli Lover: ...bahnwagen- gutenabend... Medieval Couple: ...bitte- ein- nürnburger... Family Group: ...bratwustle... Doctor: ...gerspurten... Bishop & Saint: ...mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut... Two Dancers: ...gumberaber- shönedanker... Three Naked Ladies: ...kalbsfleisch... Cricket Team: ...mittler- aucher... Policemen: ...von Hautkopft... Figgis: ...of Ulm. http://www.cardinalfang.net/episodes/season_one/johann_gambolputty.html

More SF and fantasy XXX-rated parodies: http://io9.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-science-fiction-and-fantasy-porn-1217176178 Some are pretty hilarious.

Doctor Whore http://io9.com/geronimo-first-work-safe-look-at-the-new-x-rated-docto-1624675719

BOROWITZ REPORT Integrity Disqualifies Sanders for White House BY ANDY BOROWITZ WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) The Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders's potential bid for the 2016 Presidency was declared over, on Monday, before it even began, because of a key feature of the American political system that makes a person with integrity ineligible for the White House. According to some experts, the electoral system has developed a number of safeguards over the past few decades to prevent someone with independence and backbone from occupying the Presidency. "Bernie Sanders's failure to become a member of either major political party excludes him from the network of cronyism and backroom deals required under our system to be elected," said Davis Logsdon, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota. "Though that failure alone would disqualify Sanders, the fact that he is not beholden to a major corporate interest or investment bank would also make him ineligible." Because of his ineligibility, Logsdon said, the Vermont Senator would be unable to fund-raise the one billion dollars required under the current system to run for President. "The best source of a billion dollars is billionaires, and Sanders has alienated them," he said. "Clearly he didn't think this through." Logsdon said that Sanders might persist in his quest for the White House despite his ineligibility but that such an effort would be doomed to fail. "Our political system has been refined over the years specifically to keep people like Bernie Sanders out of the White House," he said. "The system works." http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/integrity-disqualifies-sanders-white-house?src=mp