AdamSmith

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish: The most highbrow jokes in the world Ultra-highbrow humour has become the hottest thing on the internet Andrew Johnson The Independent Friday 05 July 2013 Have you heard the one about the internet forum thread which took the world by storm? Scientists are not generally recognised for their sense of humour, but those disparagingly referred to as “geeks” by the more intellectually challenged of us have responded in their thousands to a question posed on the Reddit website: “What’s the most intellectual joke you know?” The huge number of gags – and yes, many of them are funny – cover all disciplines from physics to philosophy. They range from the accessible, such as: “A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: ‘Five beers, please’,” to those that require a working knowledge of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to understand. The joke about Benoit B Mandelbrot, for example, relies on a knowledge of the scientist’s work on fractals. For all their highbrow intellectualism, however, the jokes follow traditional forms. They include puns: “Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now” – as well as someone-walks-into-a-bar jokes and light-bulb-changing jokes (“How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None: the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution”). There are also plenty of jokes of the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman format, where the usual protagonists are replaced by physicists, engineers and economists. It is rather unfair to assume that there is anything improbable about science overlapping with humour. Popular TV and radio shows such as The Big Bang Theory, Infinite Monkey Cage, Museum of Curiosity and Dara O’Briain’s School Of Hard Sums happily marry science with jokes. And, as Brian Cox, the scientist and presenter of Wonders of the Universe, points out, comedians such as O’Briain and Ben Miller are physics graduates. “There is a strange nexus between physics and comedy that I seem to be a part of,” Cox told the Daily Telegraph. “It’s a powerful if strange alliance. Dara O’Briain did mathematics and physics, and is passionate about it. Ben Miller did a PhD in physics. Robin Ince [his co-presenter on Infinite Monkey Cage] is a very good friend of mine.” Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes 1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.” 2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?” 3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.” 5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.” 6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!” 7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish. 8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t. 9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg. 10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar. 11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”. 12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder. 13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.” 14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything. 15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem. 16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?” 17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality. 18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.” 19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.” 20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now. 21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer. 22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot. 23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” 24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?” 25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/how-many-surrealists-does-it-take-to-screw-in-a-light-bulb-a-fish-the-most-highbrow-jokes-in-the-world-8691191.html

Right thing.

Even if he were single it might not work out. Rumor has it that he enjoys sex.

I refer the right honourable gentleman to the remarks I made some moments ago.

Further to the Nagging Wife meme...

Also pinworm can be transmitted via toilet seat contact.

Odd. Working for me too now. Previously it was error "503 back end unhealthy" -- definitely undesirable! ...Wonder if the NSA is after me now? For looking at the Guardian site too much!

So at this moment, when I go to www.guardian.co.uk, I get their error screen "Sorry, we haven't been able to serve the page you asked for." Wonder if something malicious has been done to them? Will look to see how long they take to restore the site, and what they say. I saw this yesterday with a couple of their deeper buried story pages, but not the home page as now.

Love it! I Ignore Preference every chance I get. Just ask my lesbo Latina hooker gf.

LOL. Some more from the same place... City closes all schools, builds $400 million Juvenile Retention and Education Center Politics June 7, 2013 Comments: 12 The city of Altruria provides a picture of what the new Juvenile Retention and Education Center will look like. A Texas city has opted to close all seven of its schools and build one complex that officials are calling a “Juvenile Retention and Education Center.” Citing budget cutbacks, the city of Altruria is in the process of building a $400 million holding facility which will house the area’s students. Once completed, all of the school buildings will be torn down; buildings some of which were built just three years ago. Officials say that the students will then be transferred to the new facility where they will be held for 10 hours each day and will focus on memorizing and learning only administrator approved material. Continue reading → Texas legislator drops marijuana cigarette while speaking on floor Politics June 3, 2013 Comments: 94 While speaking during the Texas legislative session, representative Tom Alvin ® Altruria, dropped something unexpected on the House floor. Upon picking up the item, cameras caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette. Continue reading → Child smokes K2, eats dolls face Politics May 18, 2013 Comments: 8 ALTRURIA, Texas — A six-year-old child accused of biting a dolls head off in a kindergarten classroom allegedly smoked K2, also known as “Spice,” before the incident. Although school officials remain silent on the event, authorities from the Altruria police department were called to Altruria Elementary School on Friday afternoon, May 17, after a pipe and small bag of K2 were found in the child’s possession following an incident where the child allegedly bit the head off of a doll in a kindergarten classroom. Continue reading →

Was thinking exactly that myself!..:What do we do to get So You Think You Can Hook?

ROFL The article says the bill also requires you to get a "permit" to buy and own sex toys. Talk about a "well regulated militia"...!

lurker, I think citylaw and axiom may be onto something. There is a delicious Japanese word and concept for it: mokusatsu. It means to "treat (someone) with silent contempt." I confess this is all quite selfish -- I want to be reading and ogling your posts again.

I think this is absolutely right. I love to bake. (Food! Brain cells too of course.) Can baking improve mental health?The woman behind the Depressed Cake Shop believes it can, and is hoping her pop-up shop will get people talking about it as well as raising money for mental health charities Huma Qureshi The Guardian, Wednesday 3 July 2013 13.00 EDT Gloomy grey lemon-flavoured macaroons from the Depressed Cake Shop. Photograph: Safiyah Kelly They say baking soothes the soul. How can it not? There is something so reassuring about the ritual – quietly weighing out butter, sugar, flour, cracking eggs, whisking, beating and folding. "If you're feeling a little bit down, a bit of kneading helps," Mary Berry once said. It is not just indulging in the end results – the cake, the biscuits, the scones – that helps to brighten up a blue day, but the therapeutic process itself. This perceived connection between baking and good mental health has sparked an initiative that will see several pop-up bakeries opening across the UK. During the first weekend in August, the Depressed Cake Shop will open at venues in London, Glasgow, Derby, Cardiff and North Yorkshire, with the proceeds going to mental health charities. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that the organiser, Emma Thomas – aka Miss Cakehead – is on to something with this idea. John Whaite, who won the Great British Bake Off in 2012, recently brought out a cookbook, Recipes for Every Day and Mood, with a chapter dedicated to lifting the spirits. Whaite has experience of depression and describes baking as his escape. For him, it is "meditative", an act of "making something destructive into something constructive, and at the end of it you've got something to be proud of, something to eat, something to show off". Novelist Marian Keyes has also used baking to help her deal with depression. In her book, Saved by Cake, she writes: "Baking hasn't cured me. But it gets me through … To be perfectly blunt about it, my choice sometimes is: I can kill myself or I can make a dozen cupcakes. Right, so I'll do the cupcakes and I can kill myself tomorrow." Keyes and Whaite have spurred many bloggers to share stories of how baking helped with depression like this one who writes about how baking gave her a sense of achievement, or this young mother, who, overwhelmed after the birth of her baby, baked her way through Mary Berry's Baking Bible to help rebuild her confidence. I know from experience how helpful baking can be. I baked fiddly vanilla biscuit thins in the days after my dad died. I don't know what spurred me into the kitchen, but baking tray after tray of biscuits let me focus on the present instead of my mind wandering into all sorts of places I wasn't ready for it to go. The simple act of bringing dough together and stamping out rounds gave me a focus. My biscuits kept burning at the edges, but eventually I got there. I don't recall now whether we even ate them, but I do remember that getting them right in the end made a small part of me feel good. That particularly difficult time has long passed, but, like a lot of people, baking still gets me through the odd days when things don't feel as if they are going my way. "There's no scientific research to explain why or how baking helps to make you feel better, and it's certainly not a cure for depression. But it is therapeutic, and it helps many people," says Thomas (she was also behind the most repulsive cakeshop in the world, a pop-up at the pathology museum at St Bartholomew's hospital in London, selling cakes shaped into infected body parts to raise awareness of cancer and STIs). "Baking is creative, and instantly rewarding. I've realised that cake gets people talking, and the Depressed Cake Shop hopes to get people discussing mental illness and supporting mental health charities." Eventually, Thomas hopes to set up a series of baking therapy sessions and support networks across the UK. The Depressed Cake Shop will be an antidote to vintage-styled bakeries selling fluffy pink cupcakes with sprinkles on top. Instead, the pop-up shops will sell cakes made by amateurs, many with personal experience of depression. There will be gloomy grey lemon-flavoured macaroons, clouds of grey meringue and dark grey cupcakes, whose colours will only be revealed on the inside. For more information, visit the Depressed Cake Shop http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/jul/03/can-baking-improve-mental-health

Yet more progress here in the Old North State... Senate votes to restrict abortion as witnesses yell 'shame' Published: July 3, 2013 By Lynn Bonner and Craig Jarvis — lbonner@newsobserver.com cjarvis@newsobserver.com The News & Observer A crowd shouts "shame shame shame" as law enforcement officers stand outside the Legislative building after the Senate gave its approval to a series of abortion restrictions Wednesday July 3, 2013. The bill, when originally introduced prohibited the recognition of foreign law, such as Islamic Sharia law, in family courts, was changed Tuesday with little public notice and the new bill titled the Family, Faith and Freedom Protection Act, added anti-abortion legislation. Senators voted 29-12 to approve House Bill 695. RALEIGH — The Senate, after a long debate that invoked faith, constitutional rights and health statistics, approved a bill that would restrict abortions by stepping up requirements for clinics and doctors. The Senate passed the bill by a vote of 29-12 as opponents filled the gallery above and hundreds more waited outside. The bill now goes to the House. After the vote, people in the hall began chanting, “Shame, shame, shame.” A woman in the gallery who yelled “Shame on you” was arrested. Lt. Gov. Dan Forest ordered the gallery cleared moments before the Senate adjourned. Supporters said the new regulations are needed for safety, while opponents said the real intent is to deny access to abortions. “This is an atrocious, shameful bill,” said Sen. Earline Parmon, a Winston-Salem Democrat. “It’s about dictating to women about very personal medical decisions that should be left to a woman and her doctor. This is going to cause more back-alley abortions whether you want to admit it or not.” Sen. Warren Daniel, a Morganton Republican, said the bill was about keeping women safe. “We’re not here today taking away the rights of women," he said. "We’re taking away the rights of an industry to have substandard conditions.” An estimated 600 people showed up to protest new abortion restrictions, filling the gallery in the Senate chamber, and spilling outside the gallery onto the third floor. Many were wearing pink. At times during the debate they raised their arms and waved their hands in what they called “silent cheering.” At one point Sen. Ellie Kinnaird, a Chapel Hill Democrat, thanked them for their “silent protest.” Many of the women gathered outside said they were outraged by the surprise Senate vote Tuesday night to add more restrictions on surgical and medical abortions. The provisions, tacked onto an unrelated bill about Islamic law, requires abortion clinics to meet standards similar to those for outpatient surgery clinics. It also requires doctors to be present when women take pills that induce abortions. The bill’s supporters say it’s about safety, but opponents said the real reason is to restrict abortions. A legislative staff member said only one abortion clinic in the state would meet the new licensing standards. A spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood said she knew of none. Women who found out about the vote on Facebook and Twitter last night came to the legislature on about 12 hours notice. By 9 a.m. the gallery was standing room only and hundreds more gathered outside throughout the morning. “I’m outraged," said Donna Bailey of Raleigh, who has been to two moral Mondays. “This is outrageous. I feel like we’re fighting the fight from 40 years ago.” “I’ve seen this happening elsewhere in the country,” said Valerie Evans of Raleigh. “I feel like we have to stand up and push back.” Evans said she knew the Senate would probably approve the measure, but she wanted them to know that many people disapprove. “It’s sneaky,” Tanya Olson of Durham said of the surprise Senate action. “It’s not right. They have to know that people know this.” Bill supporters were in the crowd too, but they were far outnumbered by opponents who could be identified by their pink shirts. “We want to protect unborn babies,” said Amy Huffman, of Alamance County Right to Life. Tami Fitzgerald, executive director of the NC Values Coalition, surveying the scene, said: “The bill today is about protecting women’s health. It’s about making abortion clinics safe. We don’t want to become the Gosnell of the South. We’re firmly behind the bill.” The Gosnell reference alluded to Kermit Gosnell, the Philadelphia doctor, who is serving three consecutive life terms for killing infants during illegal late-term abortions. The Philadelphia case has been referenced repeatedly by GOP supporters of the bill during the morning debate. While opponents of the bill argued that the state’s oversight of abortions was strict and that North Carolina was not in danger of becoming Philadelphia. http://www.newsobserver.com/2013/07/03/3007643/opponents-of-nc-abortion-bill.html#storylink=cpy

Patients HIV-free for now after transplant By Saundra Young, CNN updated 10:30 AM EDT, Wed July 3, 2013 STORY HIGHLIGHTS Two men show no sign of HIV after bone marrow transplants But experts say it's too early to know if the two are cured The transplant isn't a viable option for the vast majority of patients (CNN) -- Two more HIV patients have no signs of the virus in their blood following bone marrow transplants, according to the Boston researchers who treated them. However, experts stopped short of calling the two cured and said the treatment is not a viable option for the majority of HIV patients. The findings were presented Wednesday at the International AIDS Society Conference in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The two men, whose identities are being withheld, had been on antiretroviral (ARV) drug therapy for years before being diagnosed with lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph nodes. Both underwent intensive chemotherapy followed by bone marrow transplants to treat the cancer. They remained on antiretroviral therapy. Approximately four months after the transplant doctors were still able to detect HIV in their blood, but six to nine months later, all traces of the virus were gone. "Because of those findings, we thought it was justified to take the patients off of their therapy to see what happens," said Dr. Timothy Henrich, who conducted the clinical trial. "Now, in a normal person who has HIV, who has been on long-term antiretroviral therapy for years, usually the virus comes back within two to four weeks after stopping therapy, it comes right back. " Some patients make it up to eight weeks before the virus returns, said Henrich, a researcher at Harvard Medical School and Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston, but the virus returns eight to 10 weeks after therapy is stopped in the vast majority of patients. Not so for these two, however. "We are now recording 15 weeks after therapy and eight weeks after therapy for our two patients, and to date we are unable to detect HIV rebounding in the bloodstream after we stopped the therapy," Henrich said. "We do weekly monitoring, as well. We've been looking at the virus in the blood and the cells in the blood essentially every week since we've taken them off therapy, and we have not been able to detect virus at this time." The two men are being compared to Timothy Ray Brown, also known as the "Berlin Patient." Brown is thought to be the first person ever "cured" of HIV/AIDS. In 2007, Brown had a stem cell transplant to treat his leukemia. His doctor searched for a donor with a rare genetic mutation called CCR5 delta32 that makes stem cells naturally resistant to HIV infection. Today, the virus is still undetectable in Brown's blood, and he is still considered to be "functionally cured." A functional cure means the virus is controlled and will not be transmitted to others. The stem cell transplant procedure, however, is very dangerous because a patient's immune system has to be wiped out in order to accept the transplant. Using a bone marrow transplant to treat HIV is not a feasible treatment for most patients, and only 1% of Caucasians -- mostly Northern Europeans -- and no African-Americans or Asians have the CCR5 delta32 mutation, researchers say. The transplant is still not a practical strategy for the majority of HIV patients, and the risk of mortality is up to 20%, Henrich says. Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases at the National Institutes of Health, agreed. "This is not a practical approach for someone who does not need a stem cell transplant since the transplant and its preparation and its subsequent need for chronic immunosuppression is a risky procedure," Fauci said. "If you have an underlying neoplasm (tumor) like these patients had, then the risk outweighs the benefit," he said. "However, if you are doing well on ARVs and you merely want to get off antiretroviral therapy, then the risk seems greater than the benefit." Even though the two patients showed a reduction of the virus in the blood, it could still be in some tissue -- the brain or gastrointestinal tract, for instance, Henrich said. The virus "could certainly return," he said. "It's possible, again, that the virus could return in a week, it could return in a month -- in fact, some mathematical modeling predicts that virus could even return one to two years after we stop antiretroviral therapy, so we really don't know what the long-term or full effects of stem cell transplantation and viral persistence is." Still, he feels the information will help move the curative field of HIV research forward. "We're going to learn different strategies about how we can attack the viral reservoir, how we can harness the immune system better and what exactly caused the lack of virus in the two patients at least in the short term." Earlier this year, researchers said an HIV-positive baby in Mississippi was given high doses of three antiretroviral drugs within 30 hours of her birth, with doctors hoping that would control the virus. Two years later, there is no sign of HIV in the child's blood, making her the first child to be "functionally cured" of HIV. The Foundation for AIDS Research, or amfAR, helped fund the study. "These findings clearly provide important new information that might well alter the current thinking about HIV and gene therapy," said amfAR CEO Kevin Robert Frost. "While stem cell transplantation is not a viable option for people with HIV on a broad scale because of its costs and complexity, these new cases could lead us to new approaches to treating, and ultimately even eradicating, HIV." "Dr. Henrich is charting new territory in HIV eradication research," said Dr. Rowena Johnston, amfAR vice president and director of research. "Whatever the outcome, we will have learned more about what it will take to cure HIV. We believe amfAR's continued investments in HIV cure-based research are beginning to show real results and will ultimately lead us to a cure in our lifetime." In the meantime, Henrich says he and other groups are actively enrolling patients for these types of studies. http://www.cnn.com/2013/07/03/health/hiv-patients/index.html?hpt=hp_t2