Tired of the gay scene in New York and San Francisco, but don’t want to have to worry about learning a foreign language just to get your cock on?
Then why not take a trip across the pond and visit London – one of the gayest cities in the world, and they almost speak your language!
London is full of fabulous guys – many of whom got their start in their boarding school bedrooms. You’ll meet and mate with rugby players, punks, boytoys, dance floor divas, and totally delectable drag queens.
It’s also full of uncut men – for those of you who like a little foreskin with your fellatio – and some of the best DJs in the world.
Whether you are looking for quiet little gay pubs or giant queer discos, London has what you need – and you’ll soon be begging to spill your seed.
And, London is the home to both George Michael and Madonna, so whether you want his sex or simply to justify your love, you’ll be able to get into the groove.
All you need is a passport, and you could soon be getting it on like the queen you know you are!
So, my delectable drag queens, dishy divas, kinky twinks, and sexed up studs, let Gay Guides take you on a tour of London – where the wild things are!
The English language in London is deceptive. At times, it seems like they speak the same language – but then you soon realize that you have no idea what the blokes are talking about.
So, before you go you need a little primer on what the English really means when they are chatting you up in the local rub a dub dub!
* Wank – a hand job.
* Cottaging – cruising. This comes from the fact that the English, believe it or not, call public restrooms “cottages.”
* Johnny – a condom.
* Cunt – surprisingly, this is almost never used to describe a woman. Instead, it is an insult directed from one man to another. The closest translation we would have is “asshole.”
* Fag – a cigarette. Really.
* Fanny – vagina. I know this makes no sense – you’ll just have to trust Madame Ovary on this one!
* Poof – a gay man.
* Bugger – to have anal sex.
* Shag – to have sex.
* Rub a dub dub – a bar. This comes from the fact that it rhymes with “pub.”
* Chat up – to hit on.
* Snog – to kiss.
* Bum – your ass. For reasons unknown to man, they also call a “bum” an “arse.”
* Football – soccer.
* Rounders – baseball.
* Pikey – trailer trash.
* Punters – men who pay for sex.
If you are looking for sweet man on man love – or simply want to chat up a new chum at the rub a dub dub – you’ll want to head over to Soho, the traditional gay capital of London.
Located right by Piccadilly Circus, Soho is one long all night party. You’ll find male strip shows, gay bars, huge clubs, sex shops, and tons of men cruising for cock at all hours of the day and night.
There is a hip bohemian scene in Soho, and you’ll find elegant restaurants right next to some of the sleaziest and sexiest bathhouses.
Old Compton Street is the center of Gay Soho – with nearly each and every business flying giant rainbow-colored flags.
Until a few years ago, the pubs had to close down at 11 PM. But new changes to the law now allow them to stay open 24 hours a day – which means that the cruising for cockaholics continues well into the wee hours!
Located on the outskirts of London, the Vauxhall Gay Village has recently become the trendiest gay mecca for young men in England.
The entire area is simply a series of gay clubs that operate nearly 24 hours a day. The scene is very centered on young men in their late teens and early 20s (you can go to a club at 16 in London) and you’ll find lots of very bitchy boys you’ll be begging to bone.
You’ll want to dress your best – because while the twinks are terrific in Vauxhall, they are also surprisingly very fashion-conscious given that they are really young, dumb, and full of cum!
There is also a ton of Muscle Marys (Chelsea Boys) to be found here, but you furry fans will find that bears are scarce.
Vauxhall Village is also the center of the meth and cocaine scene in the gay community. Drug laws are considerably laxer in the UK than they are in America – so if you like to chase tina or trip the Bolivian fantastic, this is the part of town will blow you away.
At Westminster Abbey, they’ve been crowning queens for centuries – literally. This giant church in the heart of London is the traditional place where monarchs go for their coronation ceremonies. It is one of the most famous and fabulous churches in the world – and has been dazzling tourists since 1045.
In modern times, Westminster Abbey has also become the burial site of some of the most divine British people – including Charles Darwin, David Livingston, and Tennyson.
The organ is also world-famous and it’s worth checking out the schedule to hear a concert. You can also visit the grave of King Henry III.
All I know is that when I visited Westminster Abbey, I got down on my knees and said, “God save this queen!”
I first met Big Ben outside a bar in Soho when I came out for a fag. Apparently he’s fairly well known, since the next day I discovered a giant clock named after him!
Big Ben is the name of the giant bell in the Clock of Westminster – which has rung out loud and proud since 1856. It was originally going to be called “Victoria” after the most famous queen of all.
All of you size queens – you know who you are – will be impressed to know that Big Ben is more than two meters long!
It’s worth heading over to the clock tower to listen to Big Ben chime out and remind the City of London that England has survived another hour and kept the barbarians off its shores.
Because, really, who doesn’t love a big clock!
When you get tired of cocks, clocks, and queens, you’ll want to get your tight little ass over to The National Gallery and check out all of the art London has to offer!
Located on Trafalgar Square, the National Gallery is home to more than 2,000 original paintings owned by the British Government. Most of the artwork is fairly old – and all of it predates the 20th century.
You’ll find works of art from da Vinci, Raphael, and Gauguin as well as dozens of pictures of divalicioius queens, and the kings who loved them!
While the National Gallery is smaller than many of the official museums of Europe, the British have used their legendary good taste to select only the most fagtabulous works of art they could find – so nearly every painting you see is a true masterpiece!
I’ve always said size matters – and the London Eye, also known as the Millennial Wheel, is proof positive of this fact.
The most popular tourist site in London – honestly – the London Eye is the largest Ferris Wheel in the world. Standing at more than 440 feet high, visitors are treated to a spectacular view of London from the top – even if they do have to wait an hour or more in line to get there!
People in the UK consider the London Eye to be their own version of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and you’ll consider this wonder wheel to be one of the most queerific stops of your London gaycation!
Despite the rumors you may have heard, London Bridge is not, in fact, falling down. It’s bigger and better than ever.
Considered the most famous bridge in the world, London Bridge spans the Thames river and connects London to the rest of England. It was originally built more than 2,000 years ago, but luckily has been considerably expanded and improved since the birth of Christ.
When you visit the bridge you’ll want to check out the museum, which has drawings and photos of the bridge through the centuries and an explanation of theories of why children still sing about the demise of this enduring bridge!
It’s fabulously fantastic!
West End theater is a must-see whenever you visit London. It is the equivalent of New York’s Broadway theater district – in fact, many shows premiere in London before moving to Manhattan.
More than 12 million people a year visit shows in the West End – which often have famous American movie stars in the cast.
Most of the theaters were built during the Victorian era – so you’ll have the chance to check out some fabulous architecture while you watch Nathan Lane or Tom Cruise eat up the stage.
Tickets for the more popular shows sell out in advance, but you can generally find scalped tickets easily – or simply check out one of the less popular shows.
No matter what, you’ll love coming out to the theater!
Now, doesn’t that description of London just leave you breathless?
I know that any city that creates its own queens is fine by me – and I so need to get back and hook up with Big Ben again!
So, why don’t you book a trip over to London, my darling divas, and delectable queens? You’ll find all the kinky twinks you need – and maybe see a Prince Albert or two!