OP writes:
"Summary: my main objective for my relocation to Thailand was to have sex regularly, for free or cheap (definitely not Soi Twilight prices) and maybe even find a boyfriend. So far, complete failure in all aspects."
-Whilst I was mildly entertained by your posting OP, at the same time it irritated me. The bottom line is, you like many others come to live in Thailand with insufficient money and then you moan about your failure etc. Cash is king in Thailand and if you do not have enough, then you will always be dis-satisfied.
Why don't you go to work in somewhere like Saudi or Hong Kong; make your fortune, and then come and live in Thailand when hopefully you will have sufficient income to enjoy all that Thailand can offer.