Postcards from Sardinia - A Developing Collection...

[Guest TakeTwo]

Giorno Due -- (Day two, for the impoverished and intellectually

challenged)

**************Motel Internet Security Interception*************

**Motel internet security has replaced fraudulent images of the stated "Hotel Cala di Volpe property" communication coming from our property, with OUR most current and updated property images from the room this internet communication originated** **Our pool is OPEN! Happy Hour is between 5am-6am daily** **clean sheets provided with every next years bookings of 5 days or more** Come see what we're all about. We also offer deep sea fishing on our equally modern sea going vessel**

**************End of security Interception *********************

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo..._no_vacancy.jpg

Hello my darlings of the class of ‘54 NYC Rockettes!

Yes, I have finally arrived in beautiful Sardinia, Italy!

The Hotel Cala di Volpe could not be more breathtaking had I designed it myself. The lobby and main hotel could not be more elegant and glamorous. The lush gardens surrounding my exquisite suite of rooms are nothing short of spectacular which most people could only dream of landscaping and keeping watered, if they were half as well to do as me. Yes, it’s all so perfect, as it should very well be for me.

I simply must dash for now my darlings. I have many postcards to write and the peasant housekeeping staff (although they all live in the upper foothills, seem to understand their place in the food chain) will soon be here to clip my toenails, draw my bath water and re-iron my bed sheets which they obviously overlooked when making my bed; which had wrinkles where my feet will lie.

I will try and write every day or so my darlings, but if not, do not be alarmed. It simply means that I’m having a fabulous time on the private Starwood yacht and entertaining some very delicious boy’s for hire!

Ti amo tutti (I love you all)

Roxie

[AdamSmith]

>having a fabulous

>time on the private Starwood yacht

Touché!

(How to say that in Italian?)

[Guest TakeTwo]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/beach.jpg

Giorno Tre

Dear Dr. Phil,

I have arrived in beautiful Sardinia and you were right. Getting away from internet message boards and those losers and rejects which call them home is already beginning to make a major difference in my clinical depression. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still need the monthly RX refills. Did I hear correctly that Star Jones has recently gained 15 pounds? :-)

I have finished your new book; “From an Asshole to an Asset” which you assigned to me to read over this holiday period. I must say, however, I enjoy our one on one private sessions much, much more. I’ve had to hide the book inside my Glamour Magazine while on the beach, to avoid prejudgment from the many passers by who are obviously slowing down to admire my new Louis Vuitton beach bag and Gianni Versace tank top, shorts and fabulous eyewear. Common people are so damn predictable; you’d think that they had never seen an entertainment mogul before. Cabana Boy!…isn’t this supposed to be a private beach?

Dr. Phil, I just want to thank you for everything which you have done for me over the past three years. No one would ever suspect that at the beginning of our treatment sessions I was a crude, egotistical, pompous ass. I can only fear and imagine how my progress could now deteriorate, if the likes of those rejects at MER and M4M were ever to found out about our private ongoing sessions. Cabana Boy! Get my Xanax!!!

I must say arrivederci for now Dr. Phil. I will see you in Late September.

Sia bene, sia felice e sia migliore della gente commune.

Rock

[Buddy2]

Great photo of the motel. I laughed out loud.

Rock sounds more like Auntie Mame or that old bat Angela Lansbury than himself. Maybe his true personality comes out (so to speak) on vacation at a fabulous resort in Italy surrounded by German families and screaming children.

[Guest TakeTwo]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/sunset.jpg

Giorno Quattro

otto in punto

Dear Liza,

I’m sitting here on my fabulous veranda watching the most gorgeous sunset I have ever seen. It moves me to realize that there are many beautiful things in life that money can not buy, but are simply gifts of the universe. It’s just too bad that most of them can not be worn by the better half of society.

I’m sitting here wondering where you and I went wrong. We had one of the most spectacular weddings NYC has ever seen in March of ’02 and a little over a year later, we were nothing but tabloid trash. My therapist tells me that most men are incapable of coming to terms with the fact that their wife can beat them up and leave them with broken jaws and an eroded sense of self worth. Perhaps that's still something I need to work on; but why did you have to publicize my fragile manhood to the world on Larry King the way you did?

Anyway, I hope that you are well my dear. It’s now time to get dressed for dinner. I was hoping that I might have made some friends here by now, but it seems like whenever I’m strolling around the hotel grounds, people take sudden and abrupt left and right turns before they get to me. They probably are simply just too embarrassed by their common day attire to be around someone with class and means. I’m sure that’s what it must be. What else could possibly make any sense?

Be well Liza,

Everyone's Rock - DG

P.S. My online bank summary indicates that your court ordered monthly alimony payment has not yet been made. I’m sure it’s simply just some sort of posting delay, but thought I would bring this to your attention anyway. It’s not cheap here and I have many expenses to cover, not to mention a reputation to uphold.

[Guest TakeTwo]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/oneflewo.jpg

Giorno Quattro

Due trenta alla mattina

Dear Diary,

It’s two thirty in the morning and I just awoke screaming and drenched in my perfect sweat from horrible dreams that I can not explain. In my nightmare, I finally met someone here at the hotel. He was a good-looking, muscular stud, with lust and sexuality oozing from every pore of his perfectly tanned and tight skinned body. He was obviously packing the size meat that you can never find attached to the right person. And, what’s even more confusing to me diary, he was attracted to ME! Had I finally found someone who could appreciate my good taste and impeccable grooming standards?

I placed my Louis Vuitton evening bag on the bar and slowly approached him. “Hello” I said, while eyeing his perfection with a gleaming eye. “Hello back” he said, in a voice that could only be described as a double anal orgasm. My left knee went weak, but I was still able to get my self-swallowed tongue from deep inside my throat back up to say “My name is Rock. Rockhard to be exact.” “Nice to meet you Rockhard” he replied back. “My name is Tom. Tom Isern to be exact. And that’s Isern with a “Z”!! Suddenly my earlier double dip of Xanax had abandoned me. The house lights dimmed, color spot lights replaced the darkness and then suddenly, without warning, a stage appeared with the cast of Cabaret singing and dancing. I desperately tried grabbing for my emergency Xanax in my Louis Vuitton bag, but as I turned to reach for it, I saw Rosie O’Donnell running away with it yelling “Eat This Bitch!” I felt my heart beating outside of my chest, my Cacharel body lotion was beginning to run into and blind my one good eye, when all of a sudden again, I heard her. “That’s Liza with a “Z” she said. As I began collapsing and falling backward onto a table that consisted of Rico, deej and Daddy; I faded to black and could only wonder if that was meant to mean that she had made the alimony payment and I could stay for the rest of the month…. Dr. Phil, where are you? Dr. Phil?

Dear diary. Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? Oh, and by the way diary, if that Tom stud guy spells his name with a “Z” can I submit to him without the horrid fear of having sex with the guy who spells his name with an “S”? So many issues…only 24 days left. I hope. Thanks diary.

[Guest TakeTwo]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/office.jpg

Giorno dieci o qualunque la scopata

(Day ten or whatever the fuck)

Dear Staff,

Helloooo my worker bees!

I would have written sooner, but I knew most of you would be taking your one week (unpaid) Summer vacation to the Jersey Shores during this period with your families. I hope you all were able to find a spot on the beach that didn’t reek of the homeless and their shopping cart cabanas.

I have good news and I have bad news…….

First, the bad news. I am not returning to NYC. I realize this comes as a horrific shock to you all, but not to worry. You’ll all receive a week’s severance pay and my personal hand written reference to your future employers. That alone should be worth its weight in gold. More on that later.

Now, the good news…………

It would seem that my audition tape for “The View,” you know, the one which Barbara Walters and staff rejected for Star Jones’ old seat; has made its way into the hands and heart of a very prominent (and sexy) producer/director here in Italy. So much for that needless and hurtful Cleveland remark, huh? Pffft!

So, the day before yesterday, I received a call as I was returning back to my room from having lunch with that Tom Isern look-a-like guy. My God, he is absolutely the best fuck I have ever had up my ass and he treated me like a whore like slut while he was pounding that perfectly sized meat deep inside my wine like vineyard. That fucker knew exactly what I liked and needed. Sadly, he left today. Something about having to return home to New York City to meet a new “client.” He’s such a jokester when he’s not being everything a man fuck should ever be…. I’m sorry, I embarrassingly digress.

Anyway, I pick up the phone upon entering my suite and it’s, O-M-G… Dario Argento!! (http://www.darkdreams.org/) Once again, my heart started pounding outside of my chest and my Cacharel body lotion was once again beginning to run into, and sting blind my one good eye. I cleared my throat and flung my head hard to the right to get my hair perfectly in place to say “Hello Dario, of course I’m familiar with your work.”

Anyway, after talking back and forth for about 30 minutes, it comes to be, that he’s looking to fill a leading role in a new musical he will be producing throughout Europe beginning this coming October. He thinks I would be perfect for the role. He believes in me. He likes me; he really, really likes me. We met for drinks and dinner that night and yesterday I was in front of the cameras, in full production wardrobe rehearsing my lines with the rest of the cast, just as I was born to do. At the end of the day, it was unanimous amongst everyone, I was THE one.

My dear staff, I can no longer stand in the shadow of greatness. I must, at all cost, break through the pain of my past and become the true, great performer which I was born to be. I hope you will all understand my decision and support me in my new venture.

I have included for you all, a photo of myself from yesterday’s rehearsal. I hope you all will look upon it as someone who I have always yearned for and needed to be; as apposed to whom you have known and have always been familiar with. I am finally happy – happier than I have ever been before. I feel free, I feel young and…..

For once in my life

I have someone who needs me

Someone I needed so long

For once unafraid

I can go where life leads me

And somehow I know I’ll be strong

For once I can touch

What my heart used to dream of

Long before I knew

Ooh, ooh, ooh, someone like you

Would ever dream of makin’ my dreams come true…..

I’m sorry, I’m feeling a bit feklempt right now. Until later, the new me, for you all…….

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/hairspray-3.jpg

Edna Turnblad Played by Rockhard Rickles

[TotallyOz]

>I’m sorry, I’m feeling a bit feklempt right now. Until later,

>the new me, for you all…….

>

>http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/chgo/hairspray-3.jpg

LOL I love the new dress. So colorful and vivid. As always, the mouth open wide for one reason or another.

[Buddy2]

I'll be home in a week. Meet me at JFK, bring the borrowed BMW..

This place is full of Germans, who look at me blankly when I mention Starwoods. I can not believe they are paying full price for this dump. They are all headed home and back to work. I have not met any italians yet, except for the staff, of course. I expected the bellboys to be much more friendly. Damn I wish the dollar was worth what it was in the old days. I have to make several trips to the one local ATM machine most days and I still get no respect from the bellboys.

One hundred euros barely buys a quick blowjob!

I plan to play up my Italian vacation big time when I return to the Internet in New York. Those clueless jerks will never know that I had a lousy time. I truly expected a stronger reaction to my departing slap at MER, but I check Daddy's forum every day on my laptop and nothing. A man in my position expects to be the subject of envy and gossip. I wonder if those losers at MER are talking about me. That's better than nothing (Note to self: check MER in the morning

before the free brunch).

Cheers,

[AdamSmith]

>As always,

>the mouth open wide for one reason or another.

ROFL

Didn't someone already allude to the second coming of Ethel Merman?

http://www.sondheimguide.com/graphics/merman.jpg

But maybe we are actually blessed with the reincarnation of another vaudeville great...

http://img.slate.com/media/63/020328_MiltonBerle.jpg

...or more aptly:

http://www.classictvhits.com/shows/670.jpg

Dividing my time these days between AA (Andre Anonymous) and EST (End-RockHard-Bashing Seminars Training). So many temptations, so little willpower.

[Guest TakeTwo]

“Unfortunately, his (Mario Lopez’s) love affair with the tweezers makes him look faggy.”

Welcome back girlfriend! It’s good to know that a drag queen such as yourself can be so critical of - hot – young – muscular and good looking men, who really can dance; all the while ignoring your dressing up in drag attempting to recapture your lost youth and misplaced importance in the world of entertainment. Did you learn nothing from being seduced by Tom Isern on the Starwood property? Was your failure of portraying Edna Turnblad in the Italian version of Hairspray not sufficient enough for you to not let the youth of today alone and focus on the fact that the reason you no longer pluck your own eyebrows is because you have none left to pluck? Oh Girl, you really are the missing link between real men in their prime and the graveyard for ladies size 16 pumps.

If you’re looking for real men Rockhard, as you claim so arrogantly in your first post back at Daddy’s forum, remove all and any mirrors from within your home and replace them with still images from Rico’s kiddy Porn-O-Rama website; which we all know you adore. There, and then only, will you will find your true audience of readers who care about your arrogance and self centered importance.

Welcome back Girlfriend!!!! Btw…..Rosie is a hit on The View and Star’s not doing to bad either. Perhaps the Baton Showroom in Chicago has something to offer you. Just a thought. Jim Flint has always given those in need of a break an audition. I think he might even consider you as Tuesday afternoons are always slow and in need of at least a reason to open the doors for bathroom maintenance. :-)

[Buddy2]

What a bunch of losers. I give valuable fashion tips and priceless hotel recommendations and everyone ignores me. What do you expect from those who shop at Walmart and think Montreal is a foreign city.

Only two of my e-mail friends contacted me with a welcome home. Both had the bad manners to mention Villa Fetrinelli's unfortunate connection to Il Duce. Let them post on the message center from now on and stop bothering me. They are off my list, both have been identified as spam to my Internet dial up.

Well that lousy vaction will soon be a memory now that i have returned to my busy live in the city. I am glad I cancelled my Starwoods membership just before leaving Cala di Volpe in Sardinia. I'll be staying at Holiday inns and Motel 6s from now on, since my budget is a little tight. Maybe i should travel to Italy in January, not August. Better yet, Montreal is a wonderful place to visit in the winter. I wonder what a stip club is like.

[TotallyOz]

Welcome back from your holiday. I hope you had a great time. Just as Daddy finished up his indexing, you were able to finish up your holiday. Perhaps the 3 of us can have coffee at Starbucks? jk

Welcome back from Sardinia.

[AdamSmith]

In the best tradition of Dredging Up Old Threads Because I Have Nothing Better to Do with My Life (used courtesy Who Could That Be? ) it occurred to see whether the renowned Hotel Cala di Volpe managed to up its game since our dear RockHard alighted there on the wings of his Starwood points.

The picture gleaned from recent TripAdvisor reviews remains, politely put, mixed...

Obscene prices
Reviewed 4 weeks ago
We have stayed at the hotel for three nights.
There is literally nothing to do in the immediate area and you either have to agree to pay 90 per person for lunch and the same amount for dinner each and every day or they will charge you 165 When you first check in. Otherwise you need to take a taxi for 30 each way to the closest town to have lunch or dinner at very high prices also. This hotel chain owns all of the four high-end hotels in Sardinia and have a monopoly on all prices. I found the management to be fairly arrogant even though all of the employees were excellent. The hotel food at cala del volpe was very good and not very good at the other three sister hotels
After the first day we found out that they will prepare any food for you but they did not come out and say that since they have large buffets. The restaurant manager reserved the same table for people for their entire stay and therefore it is difficult to get a window table or a preferred table if other people have had the tables every day prior to you
There are so many other great places and hotels to go to Italy and I would avoid this hotel chain and island at all costs. 12 1/2 euros for a bottle of water and the set price for the meals is ludicrous

A bit below expectations
Reviewed August 20, 2014

You get almost everything you expect from a luxury hotel.
But something is missing. 1) very low ceilings in the rooms 2) tiny beach (shame for Sardinia) 3) very few arrangement on outside hotel territory to hide from such burning Sardinian sun

Lunch time let down
Reviewed June 26, 2014

Had lunch at the Cala di Volpe as I'd always wanted to visit, and what a disappointment it was for hotel of such repute. The barbeque on offer was simply too pricey for us. 165 euros (!!!) for what amounted to little more than a Sizzler buffet, so we opted for a lighter option at the outdoor bar. Still, 28 euros for a salad nicoise which was little more than bagged lettuce, a tomato, green beans, egg, tinned tuna and a couple of anchovies rolled round an olive was a real rip off, whilst my friend said his ravioli (around 30 euros) was from frozen and left him with a bad stomach. With bread, water and service (which was polite but not exactly friendly) it all came to 90 euros. The place was all but deserted, and the grounds, which we explored after, were far from well kept (brown turf, junk in plain sight, cracked walkways, leaves and flies in the pool, empty glasses and napkins left by the sun loungers). We were even told not to take photos by one surly member of staff, even though we'd paid for the privilege of being there (whether you're staying the night or are just there for a coffee, a drink at the bar, dinner or a conference, a customer is a customer, and should be treated as such). The saving grace was the amazing architecture - the food, presentation and service were astonishingly lacklustre for a world class hotel. We arrived excited and feeling like stars, but left depressed and belittled.

SWIDNLER- oriented management. AVOID!!!
Reviewed June 13, 2013
We were a group of friends, staying for a week in this hotel. I can say that all of us are quite demanding clients, but we really had the worst experience in our life. First of all, this is definitely not a 5 stars hotel- the rooms are far too simple design, and too small, just normal bathrooms, nothing special. They will explain you about "authentic Sardegnan design", but we are in the 21st century, I guess. If you pay 1000 Euro per night, you expect something more than this. After trying the bar snacks for few days, we realized that most of the food they offer is really below average, and some positions are uneatable, like frozen pizza for 25 or club sandwich. The price tag is shocking: gin-tonic here is 25 and a cup of espresso goes for 10,50. They will NEVER give you the bill for a signature, until you ask for it, and they leave you to wait for 15 min to sign it. This is made intentionally- at the end during check-out you'll find a lot of extra stuff in your bill. The thing is they divide food and beverages, and do not give you full details of what you had, just the price. If you ask to give the details, the answer will be "We can't". All the staff looks like the band of swindlers who look at you and just wait for the moment to grab as much extra money as they can! I have never seen such unhonest management- if you ask for a bottle of wine or champagne, they will not get you the vine list to choose - they will quickly open one bottle of the most expensive one (750), and straight away the second one, even if you did not start to drink! The locals told us that two years ago the management has changed, and the new team has one and only goal - to CHEAT as much as possible, and to increase your bill with EVERY, sometimes abominable methods!

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g945747-d195286-Reviews-Hotel_Cala_di_Volpe-Cala_di_Volpe_Province_of_Olbia_Tempio_Sardinia.html

[Guest callipygian]

Never, ever, ruin a perfectly good drug-induced black-out like this again, Adam Smith.

[MsGuy]

The revived thread reads last to first. Is this an artifact of the newly revised and improved (?) software Oz has been touting?

One more proof that change is bad.

(sigh)

[AdamSmith]

Post sequence in old threads was reversed during one of the forum software upgrades some time back.

Seems to be a common pathology of forum software. You can see the same thing in all threads on the Other Forum that are older than a certain date.

[Suckrates]

I'm totally Baffled and confused !

[AdamSmith]

I'm totally Baffled and confused !

Click the "...Starwood points..." link in my post above.

Or, better advice, don't.

[AdamSmith]

Never, ever, ruin a perfectly good drug-induced black-out like this again, Adam Smith.

Rock[Hard]CrystalMeth doesn't mix well with it?

[MsGuy]

... a perfectly good drug-induced black-out ...

Yeah, that does seem the most likely explanation.