A Cautionary Tale: Love Without a Plan

[TotallyOz]

Once, there was a man with a generous heart and a quiet strength. He met a young man many years his junior—someone struggling, someone in need of kindness. What began as a helping hand became a partnership, a love that endured for twenty years. Through all of life’s trials, they stood side by side. The older man provided stability, a home, and love; not only to his partner, but eventually to the partner’s three children, whom he welcomed as part of his family.

They built a life together, not in the eyes of the law, perhaps, but in every way that matters. They shared meals, holidays, bills, dreams, and worries. The older man worked hard and paid for everything, trusting that love was enough.

But love, sadly, is not a legal document.

When he died, everything changed in an instant. There was a will that left everything to charity. There was no life insurance policy with the partner named as beneficiary. The bank accounts were locked. The partner and the children, once wrapped in the warmth of a secure life, found themselves suddenly adrift, cold, and cast aside.

No inheritance. No protection. No safety net. Just grief, bills, and uncertainty.

And so the partner, after twenty years of care, now sleeps on the street. His children go without him as he did not have the skills to survive. The man who once promised to look after them is gone.

This is not how love should end.

Let this be a cautionary tale: if you love someone, prepare. If you build a life with someone, protect them. Have a will that helps and protects them. Share ownership. Name your partner as beneficiary. Talk about the future, not just in dreams, but in documents.

Because death comes for us all, and love alone won’t keep your partner warm once you’re gone. Only foresight, planning, and legal protections can do that.

Love well. And love wisely.

[Keithambrose]

1 hour ago, TotallyOz said:

Once, there was a man with a generous heart and a quiet strength. He met a young man many years his junior—someone struggling, someone in need of kindness. What began as a helping hand became a partnership, a love that endured for twenty years. Through all of life’s trials, they stood side by side. The older man provided stability, a home, and love; not only to his partner, but eventually to the partner’s three children, whom he welcomed as part of his family.

They built a life together, not in the eyes of the law, perhaps, but in every way that matters. They shared meals, holidays, bills, dreams, and worries. The older man worked hard and paid for everything, trusting that love was enough.

But love, sadly, is not a legal document.

When he died, everything changed in an instant. There was a will that left everything to charity. There was no life insurance policy with the partner named as beneficiary. The bank accounts were locked. The partner and the children, once wrapped in the warmth of a secure life, found themselves suddenly adrift, cold, and cast aside.

No inheritance. No protection. No safety net. Just grief, bills, and uncertainty.

And so the partner, after twenty years of care, now sleeps on the street. His children go without him as he did not have the skills to survive. The man who once promised to look after them is gone.

This is not how love should end.

Let this be a cautionary tale: if you love someone, prepare. If you build a life with someone, protect them. Have a will that helps and protects them. Share ownership. Name your partner as beneficiary. Talk about the future, not just in dreams, but in documents.

Because death comes for us all, and love alone won’t keep your partner warm once you’re gone. Only foresight, planning, and legal protections can do that.

Love well. And love wisely.

Its a shame that the young man did not put away some savings over the 2 years.

[TotallyOz]

48 minutes ago, Keithambrose said:

Its a shame that the young man did not put away some savings over the 2 years.

What two years? It was 20 years. And, when you have kids and a family, money is eaten away fast. Esp. if someone else is controlling that money. I am not defending not saving cash. I am just saying, often not easy. 

[kokopelli3]

What you wrote TotallyOz sadly happens so many times here in Thailand. 

[vinapu]

4 hours ago, kokopelli3 said:

What you wrote TotallyOz sadly happens so many times here in Thailand. 

not only in Thailand, happens everywhere. Dealing with similar cases in last 33 years of my working life before I retired,  long ago I started saying to all who listen that wills should be mandatory for all after certain  age, say 65 ( I get that in case above there was a will but obviously neglected to be updated ). 

[khaolakguy]

41 minutes ago, vinapu said:

not only in Thailand, happens everywhere. Dealing with similar cases in last 33 years of my working life before I retired,  long ago I started saying to all who listen that wills should be mandatory for all after certain  age, say 65 ( I get that in case above there was a will but obviously neglected to be updated ). 

I read this story not as  a man failing to update his will, as oversight, but of a man wilfully not caring what happened to his partner and dependents when he was gone.

It was twenty years ffs. What person doesn't think occasionally about his own mortality over that period and wonder what will happen to his dependents after he is gone. He wasn't even leaving the money to family or anyone else.

How I can best help my partner in this situation is a matter of my recurring thoughts!

8 hours ago, TotallyOz said:

The man who once promised to look after them is gone.

I find it hard to believe that at some point there wasn't a conversation between the two of them about the future, in which the deceased would have reassured his partner.....

 

[nikba2515]

Sad and painful......

"Looking for fun, lot of fun with the right person, more fun and nothing else." I stated in every profile on an application. Same applied to all commercial places. There are guys, much younger one genuinely looking for love with a much older one, I meant 45 plus. Telling them upfront, no one get hurt.   

[Keithambrose]

12 hours ago, TotallyOz said:

What two years? It was 20 years. And, when you have kids and a family, money is eaten away fast. Esp. if someone else is controlling that money. I am not defending not saving cash. I am just saying, often not easy. 

Sorry, typo. I meant 20 years.

[TotallyOz]

31 minutes ago, Keithambrose said:

Sorry, typo. I meant 20 years.

I figured. 20 is a long time. But, when reliant on others, it is a short span. Too many I know have not planned for their future and live one paycheck to the other. It is now more common that most think. 

[Keithambrose]

25 minutes ago, TotallyOz said:

I figured. 20 is a long time. But, when reliant on others, it is a short span. Too many I know have not planned for their future and live one paycheck to the other. It is now more common that most think. 

Fair point.

[Londoner]

I wasn't planning to mention my experiences this week- the feelings are still rather raw- but  I feel that I should comment on this topic.

P. and I had arranged to marry this trip, entirely for the purpose of ensuring his well-being after my death. He is the major beneficiary of my Will, but since  my solicitor is in the UK and the document was drawn-up there I wanted the extra assurance a formalised marriage would provide.

The papers, which had taken me a number of weeks to assemble- and at considerable cost I should add because I used an agency for apostilles and translations- were summarily rejected by the Pattaya Registry Office.  The authorisation I'd received from  the UK FCO  with the apostille was not enough; I needed another, from the Bangkok UK Embassy. We don't have enough time to obtain this, at least not this trip. 

P. was , as usual manifesting his  "jai yen" said that nothing has changed,  and that  what we have, we have. To him, the Abbot's

blessing in the Temple here was more significant than a piece of paper. Nevertheless, I remain concerned about possible problems with the transfer of money to Thailand.

Those thinking of marriage but who don't reside here should learn from our experience. If I were to try again, I'd employ a Thai lawyer and book an appointment at my country's embassy. 

 TotallyOz's post was sad to read; if I were advising anyone in a relationship similar to that of P and myself, I'd stress the need for total honesty and the sharing of documentation. I've told P that the first thing he must do after my demise is to find himself an English-speaking lawyer to represent him. 

[PeterRS]

10 minutes ago, Londoner said:

P. and I had arranged to marry this trip, entirely for the purpose of ensuring his well-being after my death. He is the major beneficiary of my Will, but since  my solicitor is in the UK and the document was drawn-up there I wanted the extra assurance a formalised marriage would provide.

I believe it has been mentioned quite a few times on this Board that anyone with assets in Thailand must have a Thai will written in Thai. Without that the Court will almost certainly give your assets to your nearest living blood relative wherever based.

I realise that @Londoner's assets are in the UK and he probably has litte under his name here. Clearly once over the legal hurdles on his next trip everthing should thereafter run smoothly. But I wonder if he might think it worth considering transferring at least some of his funds to Thailand now and having a Thai will in addition to the UK one. That would, I expect, transfer a small portion of assets to P more quickly than having to wait for the legal process to run its course. Just a thought.

Returning to the OP by @TotallyOz and comments by others, sadly lack of concern over distribution of assets even before death can cause much heartache. I have had a Thai business friend here in Thailand for more than 40 years now. One of her close friends whom I had met on several occasions is gay, a lovely man who had been in a relationship with another Thai for decades. Having just reached the age of 80, he called my friend in a state of near hysteria. Overnight his partner had disappeared. All his clothes, many mementos, a bank book with their joint account (thankfully he also had a separate account of his own) and his car had all gone. No note. No thank you. No wishing him good luck. Nothing!

Fortunately for him, my friend is a very organised lady. She is originally from Chiang Mai and knew there were inexpensive but very nice elderly care homes just outside the city. She quickly arranged to have her friend placed in one of them. She returns to Chiang Mai at least 4 times a year and aways visits him. She tells me he settled in very easily and he has now found at least a degree of happiness again just enjoying life. The home has minibus trips into Chiang Mai 6 times a day and so he is still able to feel part of a larger community.

[kokopelli3]

12 hours ago, vinapu said:

not only in Thailand, happens everywhere. Dealing with similar cases in last 33 years of my working life before I retired,  long ago I started saying to all who listen that wills should be mandatory for all after certain  age, say 65 ( I get that in case above there was a will but obviously neglected to be updated ). 

A Will should be written as soon as one reaches a stage of financial independence and lives on their own. This could be as early as 21 years of age. One can never predict when they will die nor know the circumstances of the cause. An accident such as an auto accident, plane crash or any other disaster could leave the deceased's Estate with substantial money.

Even a simple holographic (hand written Will) not witnessed can be probated.  There is no excuse for not having a Will. ( Not sure if holographic Wills are acceptable in Thailand).

I had a friend in Thailand who had several "drafts" of his Will to insure his latest boyfriend(s) would be taken care of, but the drafts were never executed, only one Will from  years ago was witnessed, and so that boyfriend(s) received his inheritance.

[khaolakguy]

6 hours ago, Londoner said:

I've told P that the first thing he must do after my demise is to find himself an English-speaking lawyer to represent him. 

Unless P has had previous dealings with lawyers, and to help him avoid falling in with sharks, I would find this lawyer together having done the research and have an initial meeting with him/her in which he can also advise on the usefulness of the marriage and if there are any other steps that can/should be taken. 

Also worth bearing in mind that probate even on straightforward estates in the UK can take 6-12 months. And of course your bank accounts are frozen for that period.

[Londoner]

Yes, that's the fear. I'm assuming a whole year. I've established an account (Bangkok Bank)  to "see him through" this period. Under his name, of course.

Thanks for the reminder; neither of us have had any experience. You are right; we're talking about a lot of money. It's something I must look into.

[PeterRS]

Just one word of warning. @khaolakguy's post is very perceptive. Both go to see the lawyer so that P will not be too uncomfortable when the time eventually comes to discuss your will with him.

I will only add one more caveat: beware of lawyers who advertise cheap wills on the internet. The first will I made out here was with such a lawyer who happened to be based in Phuket and I thought everything was settled. Unfortunately not. He had omitted to include one important clause and then to advise me to amend it some years later when legislation changed. 

Get a good lawyer and don't be put off by the fee. I now have an excellent one in Bangkok but you will be looking for one in Pattaya where I am sure there are many.

 

[12is12]

I don't think I agree with Oz's conclusion "prepare and protect", bcs I agree with Khaolakguy: it's unreasonable to assume that this was an oversight.

It's not that the rich guy didn't prepare; he prepared a will leaving all for charity. We don't know why.

The lesson is for the 'poor' guy. If the will surprised him, it's bcs he didn't prepare by inquiring much earlier....

[TotallyOz]

On 7/9/2025 at 5:17 AM, 12is12 said:

I don't think I agree with Oz's conclusion "prepare and protect", bcs I agree with Khaolakguy: it's unreasonable to assume that this was an oversight.

It's not that the rich guy didn't prepare; he prepared a will leaving all for charity. We don't know why.

The lesson is for the 'poor' guy. If the will surprised him, it's bcs he didn't prepare by inquiring much earlier....

I can help a bit on that one. Yes, the westerner left all to charity. I know why. Old people see things on TV and believe they can help and don't think about responsibilities or they no longer wish to keep things the same or a momentary lapse. 

The Thai guy was surprised as he had been told different for many years. When you are told and you believe, you don't continue to inquire. 

Plus, in every relationship, there is one who has more and in this case, there was one who had nothing. Not an equal dynamic. 

True, this is a life lesson for the Thai guy. But, one that he will unfortunately deal with for the rest of his life. 

[kokopelli3]

There is another factor to be considered in providing for a Thai partner after one's passing. Which is just "what assets does  the farang own" ?  Not everyone who retires to Thailand is a wealthy person  who may have assets to leave anyone.  Many are just getting by in their daily lives most often supporting their Thai friends financially. But  when the final passing of the farang does occur, there is nothing left to leave anyone. Getting by when alive; penniless in death. 

 

[vinapu]

16 hours ago, kokopelli3 said:

 Getting by when alive; penniless in death. 

 

that's close to ideal situation as we all know' man who dies rich, dies disgraced"

[mauRICE]

On 7/7/2025 at 5:21 PM, TotallyOz said:

 

But love, sadly, is not a legal document.

When he died, everything changed in an instant. There was a will that left everything to charity. There was no life insurance policy with the partner named as beneficiary. The bank accounts were locked. The partner and the children, once wrapped in the warmth of a secure life, found themselves suddenly adrift, cold, and cast aside.

No inheritance. No protection. No safety net. Just grief, bills, and uncertainty.

Perhaps not having a plan was the plan. Oh, the farang could well have loved his Thai partner but he might have been resentful too. Perhaps the sex was great, perhaps he had become too dependent on his Thai partner and was too deep into the relationship to extract himself out of it - a very common occurrence in Thailand. First the boyfriend - that was fun. Then came his wife. Then child number one, number two, number three...none of which were part of the original plan. Presumably there were other women too as the Thai partner was straight, all supported and paid for by the farang. I don't know how wealthy this farang was but supporting a young family of four or five would be a huge financial burden on most retirees. 

All the love and warm feelings shared by the farang and his Thai partner described in the original post may have well been true but one could enjoy and resent something at the same time. The farang may have liked being part of a Thai family but simultaneously felt trapped by the responsibility and expense in his old age and that there was no way out of it while he was alive. Bear in mind the farang is always a guest and the Thai is playing on his own turf. Maybe the farang felt that he had done enough and decided to do something else with his money upon his death.

Another thing: people lie and sometimes the entire village lies with them. And unless one lived with the farang and his Thai partner over the course of twenty years, one is unlikely to know their entire story or the truth.