Passive-aggressive behavior with texting

[unicorn]

It seems that I come across a lot of people who are passive-aggressive when it comes to texting, and it rubs me the wrong way. For example, we have some married friends who live about 1.5 km from LAX, and they've let us park our car at their place on extended vacations (the drive to that airport typically takes well over an hour from our place, and ride-share or taxis typically cost $100 each way). I made a group text with the two asking if we'd be able to park our car at their place for certain dates, and Husband A answered that it was OK with him if it would be OK with Husband B, since Husband A would be out of town during that time. Husband B never made any response, and after a few days we just asked another friend to drive us, taking him out for dinner as a thank-you. I should comment that we've helped these two out a few times, including a few weeks ago when Husband B was too drunk to make it to his place, and my husband stayed up to make sure he wouldn't flip on his back while sleeping and possibly choke on his vomit. As it turned out, he was kept on his side, and threw up on our carpet. 

Another fairly recent example involved a more casual friend. At a neighbor's party, he told me of some upcoming performances he was doing, and that he hoped we could come. I tried to get tickets, but the event was sold out. I texted him, informing him of my attempt, and asking him if he knew of a way to get tickets. I received no response for almost 2 days. During that time I became worried that I'd offended him and overstepped our friendship. As it turned out, he was able to snag us a couple of (free) guest passes, for which we were quite grateful. However, I wished he'd responded with "I'm not sure, but I'll see what I can do" after I texted him. Since I didn't know him well, I was worried that he might have mis-interpreted my text. 

If someone asks me something in a text, I can usually give a definitive answer within hours. After all, my calendar is right on the phone to which they're texting. At worst, I can respond with something along the lines of "I have tentative plans for that day, but can let you know by Wednesday," or "I'll let you know after speaking with my husband, who's at yoga now." 

How are you with texting? Do you acknowledge texts from friends in a timely manner, or do you sometimes let texts hang for days? Does it irritate you when people don't respond to your texts? When one of the people I use as handyman refuses to answer his text for days, I simply move on to another. But when a friend does it, I feel disrespected. 

[floridarob]

I live in Mexico, not answering is normal ... but I keep following up with 🤷‍♂️ and if still nothing, I ask "are you alive?" and if still nothing, then I take it as a no/not interested/can't or whatever...

 

[jimmie50]

5 hours ago, unicorn said:

Do you acknowledge texts from friends in a timely manner, or do you sometimes let texts hang for days? Does it irritate you when people don't respond to your texts?

I usually respond within the hour.  If I am busy and it is something that requires a longer response, I will at least respond that I am currently busy but get back to them later that day.  Personally, I find it extremely annoying when people don't respond or acknowledge text messages in a prompt manner.  I sometimes wonder if it is a generational thing.  My sister and brother-in-law will usually respond to me within the hour, as will most friends my age.  However, my nephews (late 20's) may get around to responding in a couple of days...if at all.  

[PeterRS]

For me it is simple. I do not have social media apart from Line and WhatsAp. Rarely do I receive texts that require an immediate response. I guess I am more old-fashioned and I'd rather phone. I do have a couple of gay apps but I use them almost exclusively when outside Thailand.

[jimmie50]

My friends and family often refer to me as 'old school'.  I much prefer talking on the phone or having a face to face conversation versus using an app.  I have never been a huge fan of social media.  As a retired educator, I have seen too many new, inexperienced teachers get into difficult situations because of social media and failing to establish clear boundaries.  Some have even lost their jobs as a result.  Personally, I have never had an account on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.  I have two apps on my phone...WhatsApp and LINE.  I use WhatsApp as a way to chat with some of my friends in other countries, and have LINE for the massage shops.  I do text frequently, but mostly with family and close friends.  If I stop at the supermarket, I might text my sister to see if she needs anything.  If I am stopping somewhere to pick up lunch, I might text home to see if anyone would like me to get them anything.  I text friends if I am running a few minutes late for a planned get-together.  I don't use it as a means of having deep, meaningful conversations.  I have never used any of the hook up apps...Grinder, Hornet, Jack'd, etc.   

[unicorn]

22 hours ago, floridarob said:

I live in Mexico, not answering is normal ... but I keep following up with 🤷‍♂️ and if still nothing, I ask "are you alive?" and if still nothing, then I take it as a no/not interested/can't or whatever...

I agree that when I don't get responses to repeated texts (usually when I don't get an answer to a text after 3-4 hours, I use the question mark emoji, though your shoulder-shrugging one would do as well), I take it as a passive-aggressive no. However, I still find it offensive. It literally only takes lifting a finger to answer a text. It's insulting to me when a friend literally won't lift a finger to help (or even acknowledge) me. 

[PeterRS]

7 hours ago, unicorn said:

It literally only takes lifting a finger to answer a text. It's insulting to me when a friend literally won't lift a finger to help (or even acknowledge) me. 

Is that not taking "insulting" a little too far? I was brought up in the UK and was taught by my parents to be considerate of others. For example here in Thailand, if I am going into or out of a door and know there is someone behind me, I hold it open for them. In Europe, this generally, although not always, meets with the equivalent of "thanks". I do the same in Thailand. In nearly a quarter of a century I can count the number of "thanks" (in English or Thai) on one hand. In the same vein, when I am behind someone, they will rarely hold the door open for me.  It seems to be part of the culture. For whatever reason it never worries me in the slightest. Perhaps I need a stronger deodorant!

[vinapu]

Other than on vacations I generally don't use smartphone as means of communication. Don't take it with me when doing errands or visiting somebody. Everybody knows that if thay call me on smartphone number I may or may not respond or call back. The same with texting. 

Reason for all.thar is not backwardness ot technophobia but practical - nowadays there's so many meansof communicating that people are overdoing it and big time at that. I like email and that it surest thing of communicating with me, I check it often and when need arises   respond promptly.

I prefere it to phone calls as it's much less invasive and can be dealt with when I feel like . 

All said , when I go for the trip everything changes and smartphone becomes main mean of communication, emails are  checked once a day if that often and surest thing to get verbal abuse is to actually call me disturbing my time of relaxing any digital detoxing.

[jimmie50]

2 hours ago, vinapu said:

nowadays there's so many meansof communicating that people are overdoing it and big time at that

I couldn't agree more with this statement.  As a retired educator from a high school setting, it always amazed me that the students would sit across from each other during brunch and lunch while texting each other rather than have a simple, verbal conversation face to face.  lol.  And we wonder why the younger generation has a difficult time communication?!?   

[KeepItReal]

On 8/26/2025 at 2:48 PM, unicorn said:

It seems that I come across a lot of people who are passive-aggressive when it comes to texting, and it rubs me the wrong way. For example, we have some married friends who live about 1.5 km from LAX, and they've let us park our car at their place on extended vacations (the drive to that airport typically takes well over an hour from our place, and ride-share or taxis typically cost $100 each way). I made a group text with the two asking if we'd be able to park our car at their place for certain dates, and Husband A answered that it was OK with him if it would be OK with Husband B, since Husband A would be out of town during that time. Husband B never made any response, and after a few days we just asked another friend to drive us, taking him out for dinner as a thank-you. I should comment that we've helped these two out a few times, including a few weeks ago when Husband B was too drunk to make it to his place, and my husband stayed up to make sure he wouldn't flip on his back while sleeping and possibly choke on his vomit. As it turned out, he was kept on his side, and threw up on our carpet. 

Another fairly recent example involved a more casual friend. At a neighbor's party, he told me of some upcoming performances he was doing, and that he hoped we could come. I tried to get tickets, but the event was sold out. I texted him, informing him of my attempt, and asking him if he knew of a way to get tickets. I received no response for almost 2 days. During that time I became worried that I'd offended him and overstepped our friendship. As it turned out, he was able to snag us a couple of (free) guest passes, for which we were quite grateful. However, I wished he'd responded with "I'm not sure, but I'll see what I can do" after I texted him. Since I didn't know him well, I was worried that he might have mis-interpreted my text. 

If someone asks me something in a text, I can usually give a definitive answer within hours. After all, my calendar is right on the phone to which they're texting. At worst, I can respond with something along the lines of "I have tentative plans for that day, but can let you know by Wednesday," or "I'll let you know after speaking with my husband, who's at yoga now." 

How are you with texting? Do you acknowledge texts from friends in a timely manner, or do you sometimes let texts hang for days? Does it irritate you when people don't respond to your texts? When one of the people I use as handyman refuses to answer his text for days, I simply move on to another. But when a friend does it, I feel disrespected. 

Generally, I am good about keeping up with texting. I have friends who prefer WhatsApp, some do Line, others Telegram. That is usually what trips me up - keeping up with all the channels. So...call me maybe? 

https://youtu.be/fWNaR-rxAic

[floridarob]

8 hours ago, vinapu said:

I like email and that it surest thing of communicating with me

I would've guessed smoke signals or carrier pigeons ....

 

 

4 hours ago, KeepItReal said:

So...call me maybe? 

https://youtu.be/fWNaR-rxAic

I like this version 😉
 

 

[Keithambrose]

1 hour ago, floridarob said:

I would've guessed smoke signals or carrier pigeons ....

 

 

I like this version 😉
 

 

Semaphore or Aldis lamp?

[floridarob]

2 hours ago, Keithambrose said:

Semaphore or Aldis lamp?

Are these 2 because of his fondness of seamen ?

[Keithambrose]

3 hours ago, floridarob said:

Are these 2 because of his fondness of seamen ?

Clever!

[unicorn]

On 8/29/2025 at 12:34 AM, vinapu said:

Other than on vacations I generally don't use smartphone as means of communication. Don't take it with me when doing errands or visiting somebody. Everybody knows that if thay call me on smartphone number I may or may not respond or call back. The same with texting. 

Reason for all.thar is not backwardness ot technophobia but practical - nowadays there's so many meansof communicating that people are overdoing it and big time at that. I like email and that it surest thing of communicating with me, I check it often and when need arises   respond promptly.

I prefere it to phone calls as it's much less invasive and can be dealt with when I feel like . 

All said , when I go for the trip everything changes and smartphone becomes main mean of communication, emails are  checked once a day if that often and surest thing to get verbal abuse is to actually call me disturbing my time of relaxing any digital detoxing.

Well, not having and using a smartphone does represent backwardness and technophobia. It helps me drive or go on public transportation, and is even necessary to get into most entertainment venues, at least here in Los Angeles. The only venue I know of which will even issue paper tickets in LA is the  LA Opera (which, after all, caters mostly to senior citizens). Had our friend (as mentioned in the OP) not gotten into us in for free as VIP's, I would have needed my iPhone just to get my tickets. I did need to use the phone to enter the parking garage (in downtown LA) and to get out. One could waste massive amounts of time if one didn't use the navigation application, as the app tells the user the fastest way under current traffic conditions (and sometimes even corrects itself with other suggestions en route, as traffic conditions change). I'm a season subscriber to Broadway in Hollywood, for example, and they informed me that paper tickets are NOT an option. 

I do agree that simply calling someone on his cell phone number without first texting to ask if it's an OK time to call is a bit rude. The whole point of the different methods of communication are that they are appropriate for different time frames and purposes. 

(1) Direct phone call without texting first. Rarely appropriate, but OK for true emergencies (such as a friend or hospital telling you a relative or close friend was taken to the hospital or in an accident and needs immediate help).

(2) Texting. These are best suited for something quick, which is not an emergency, but for which one would like an answer within a few hours. The texter would be expected to understand that he won't get a response if the person he's texting is in a business meeting, at the theater/opera/movies, at a social dinner, having sex, or driving (although I have hands-free capability/BlueTooth in my car). However, it's reasonable to expect a response within several hours.

(3) E-mail. Something which is non-urgent, and may require more input, such as asking a friend about plans for getting together in the not-near future, business requests, and so on. Reasonable to expect a response in 24-48 hours.

(4) Snail mail. Mainly for distant and/or very formal requests, such as a save-the-date for a wedding, wedding invitations, 30-year high school reunions, formal parties, and the like.

I do recognize that there are certain people I know who won't respond to certain methods, and I have to learn which methods they use, but that just represents stubbornness on their parts. For example, I have one friend wouldn't answer a text to save his life (or the life of anyone he loved), but will answer cold phone calls (I consider a call without a text first to ask if it's OK, to be a cold phone call). Of all of these methods, texting is the easiest and can be done at a convenient time (for example, after the movie is over). There is no rational reason to completely refuse to use it (though, again, I do understand that such people exist, mostly elderly). 

[PeterRS]

1 hour ago, unicorn said:

There is no rational reason to completely refuse to use it (though, again, I do understand that such people exist, mostly elderly). 

Well, I do fall into that elderly category. I suppose I have views both for and against. Firstly, I am surprised it has taken the world so long to discover that smartphones can do so much. Twenty years ago almost to the month when on a regular visit to Tokyo, I fell for a young Japanese student. Happily I was visiting Japan monthly and so we met over many months. He, like most Japanese it seemed, had a flip phone which seemed to do everything. Perhaps surprising to some he did not use it much for texting. He still preferred aural communication. But he used it for virtually everything else including payments, booking train tickets, paying at convenience stores, checking latest timetables etc. I never thought this would catch on elsewhere. Wrong!

Now, with many in Bangkok using phones for payments, I am frequently somewhat pissed off when checking out at a supermarket. I have lost count of the number of times when a customer before me seemingly has to open several pages before she (almost always a woman) gets the right one to pay for her purchases. This usually takes between 2 and 3 times longer than paying by cash or with a credit/debit card. That certainly pisses me off. On the other hand, the more recent automatic check out machines make it easier. But even these go wrong more often that they should, especially on items which have been discounted. But that's another story.

[vinapu]

11 minutes ago, PeterRS said:

Well, I do fall into that elderly category. I suppose I have views both for and against. Firstly, I am surprised it has taken the world so long to discover that smartphones can do so much. Twenty years ago almost to the month when on a regular visit to Tokyo, I fell for a young Japanese student. Happily I was visiting Japan monthly and so we met over many months. He, like most Japanese it seemed, had a flip phone which seemed to do everything. Perhaps surprising to some he did not use it much for texting. He still preferred aural communication. But he used it for virtually everything else including payments, booking train tickets, paying at convenience stores, checking latest timetables etc. I never thought this would catch on elsewhere. Wrong!

Now, with many in Bangkok using phones for payments, I am frequently somewhat pissed off when checking out at a supermarket. 

This was comment I wanted to make reading Unicorn post above, which by the way proves how complex we managed to make simple task of talking to other people, invented in times when people were living with dinosauruses. 

[PeterRS]

Thinking more on the subject, it seems to me in my advancing years that texting is in large part responsible for what is gradually becoming a lost art - conversation. I don't mean as in the great conversationalists of past centuries. Merely the art of considering in a meaningful way what somone says and responding in a similarly meaningful way. With texting. as indeed in chat rooms like this one, what can be quite a complicated subject is usually reduced to a few lines - or even just a few words. The danger then is that whereas instead of a proper conversation the entirety of which has been properly considered prior to a response being delivered, texters jump to conclusions. And in too many instances these conclusions are based on instant reactions which can often be inaccurate rather than a consideration of the subject matter as a whole.

Clearly I do not mean those simple texts like, "Fancy a drink tonight?" "Free to go to Banana Bar?" etc. I do mean those slightly longer texts where some topic important to the texter, however accurate or not, is written and which deserves a considered reply. "Fuck off!" may not be a common response but words to that effect certainly seem to be on the few occasions I look at instagram or other social media. 

These last few days there have been a number of anger issues exhibited at the US Tennis Open which have drawn millions of short texts - players smashing rackets, one player - one of the recognised angry mob - even attempting to argue during a match screaming at the umpire and forcing a 6-minute delay while his opponent was on match point, one player trying to force an argument at the net at the end of a match. The last hapened during a match won by the German Daniel Altmeier against one of the acknowledged angry brigade, Stefanos Tsitsipas. Altmeier refused to be drawn into a shouting match and walked away. As he said at the end, "“Even if I would have lost, I would not enter discussions because it’s just like heat of the moment."

It is that issue of sensibility that in my view gets lost in a great many texts. Replies too often lack that essence of sensibility. In our fast moving world, taking time to think, to consider before acting is fast being lost. I fear we are breeding a "Fuck you!" generation.

[jimmie50]

Sorry if I sound like a broken record.  I have mentioned before in other posts that I am a retired educator.  I worked in a high school setting with special education students.  While they were high school age, their function level was usually that of a 7 or 8 year old.  All of my students received special services: behavior specialists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, etc.

Something that we stressed with the students was the importance of our body language when interacting with other people.  This was not only learning about how to read the body language of others, but also our own body language.  Text messages are great for quick and easy communication, but they just don’t work for longer, in-depth conversations.  You do not get to see the other persons physical behavior, expressions and mannerisms, nor they yours.  You cannot really comprehend the tone of the text message.  In face to face conversations, we are constantly giving off and receiving nonverbal cues…gestures we make, posture, tone of voice, eye contact…these all send important messages which are impossible to convey via text.  Often times, it isn’t our words but our body language that speaks the loudest during a conversation.  That simply isn’t possible via text.  Even when we are silent, our body language is still communicating for us.  When we text, silence is interpreted as being disinterested or ghosting, which may not be the case at all.  The way we look, move, react, etc. all tell the person we are talking with whether or not we care, we are being truthful, how well we are listening.  I have noticed when we try to engage in serious conversations via text, more often than not it generates tension, mistrust and confusion because it lacks these very important visual cues.

Over the years, the speech therapists created a short, simple checklist for my students to help them better understand the importance of body language in communication:

Eye contact – Is the person making eye contact?

Facial expression – What is their face showing?

Tone of voice – Does the person’s voice project interest?

Posture – Is their body relaxed or tense?

Timing – Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?

From my perspective, these things are impossible to ascertain in a text message.  While not necessarily easy to do via a phone conversation, it is possible to pick up on some cues via phone call; whereas almost impossible to pick up on any of the nonverbal cues via text with any accuracy.  That is why I primarily use text for short, simple messages, i.e. at the supermarket, do you need anything?; what time is dinner?; let’s meet at Starbucks for coffee; etc.

[Keithambrose]

6 hours ago, jimmie50 said:

Sorry if I sound like a broken record.  I have mentioned before in other posts that I am a retired educator.  I worked in a high school setting with special education students.  While they were high school age, their function level was usually that of a 7 or 8 year old.  All of my students received special services: behavior specialists, occupational therapists, speech therapists, etc.

Something that we stressed with the students was the importance of our body language when interacting with other people.  This was not only learning about how to read the body language of others, but also our own body language.  Text messages are great for quick and easy communication, but they just don’t work for longer, in-depth conversations.  You do not get to see the other persons physical behavior, expressions and mannerisms, nor they yours.  You cannot really comprehend the tone of the text message.  In face to face conversations, we are constantly giving off and receiving nonverbal cues…gestures we make, posture, tone of voice, eye contact…these all send important messages which are impossible to convey via text.  Often times, it isn’t our words but our body language that speaks the loudest during a conversation.  That simply isn’t possible via text.  Even when we are silent, our body language is still communicating for us.  When we text, silence is interpreted as being disinterested or ghosting, which may not be the case at all.  The way we look, move, react, etc. all tell the person we are talking with whether or not we care, we are being truthful, how well we are listening.  I have noticed when we try to engage in serious conversations via text, more often than not it generates tension, mistrust and confusion because it lacks these very important visual cues.

Over the years, the speech therapists created a short, simple checklist for my students to help them better understand the importance of body language in communication:

Eye contact – Is the person making eye contact?

Facial expression – What is their face showing?

Tone of voice – Does the person’s voice project interest?

Posture – Is their body relaxed or tense?

Timing – Is there an easy flow of information back and forth?

From my perspective, these things are impossible to ascertain in a text message.  While not necessarily easy to do via a phone conversation, it is possible to pick up on some cues via phone call; whereas almost impossible to pick up on any of the nonverbal cues via text with any accuracy.  That is why I primarily use text for short, simple messages, i.e. at the supermarket, do you need anything?; what time is dinner?; let’s meet at Starbucks for coffee; etc.

I entirely agree with your points. I dislike working via zoom, etc, for similar reasons 

[floridarob]

3 hours ago, Keithambrose said:

I entirely agree with your points. I dislike working via zoom, etc, for similar reasons 

You work 😳

[Keithambrose]

6 hours ago, floridarob said:

You work 😳

Unfortunately  so, but only part time!