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TotallyOz

Joke for the Day: Add more if you want

By TotallyOz, in The Beer Bar

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AdamSmith Grand Master

AdamSmith

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10750307_10152556752516872_1215940319505

Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian

In response to today's Torture Report condemning the CIA and Bush administration, Dick and Lynne Cheney have cheerfully released the season's only pro-torture holiday card. It can be yours, too, here: http://www.cafepress.com/bettybowers.1450315705

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AdamSmith Grand Master

AdamSmith

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocketbook. This gathering is only for employees! The CEO will make a special announcement.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!
In addition, we will no longer be having the gift exchange because the union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and management believes $10.00 is a little cheap.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. There will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.
Happy Now?
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: The Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own little “man in a red suit.”
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 9
RE: The ****** Holiday Party
Vegetarian jerks: I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it. You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too, they scream when you slice them. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday and then drink, drive and die.
Pauline, the Bitch from HELL!
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FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: Pauline and the Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the management has decided to cancel our holiday party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
Have a SUCCESSFUL day!
John
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wayout Experienced

wayout

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Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”, he was responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes”, the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely”, the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”

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