The Jokes Thread

[Guest thaiworthy]

I bought my boyfriend a dog. We named him "Naked." Now I can tell people my boyfriend walks Naked down the street.

[Guest fountainhall]

Noel Coward was fond of telling this one. He is out walking in the park with his young nephew when they spy a couple of dogs doing what dogs normally do.

 

"Uncle Noel! Uncle Noel! Look at these dogs. What are they doing?"

 

"Well, you see, the one in front is blind and the one behind is pushing her to the nearest dog's home for the blind!"

[Bob]

Similar to Noel Coward's:

 

The young boy sees two dogs going at it on the front lawn and asks his dad what the dogs are doing. The dad responds "they're trying to make a puppy" and that answer seems to fully satisfy the kid (dad's happy the kid didn't ask anything further).

 

The next day, the kid came home from school and his mom and dad are going at it on the living room floor. The kid asks: "Dad, what are you two doing?" Dad answers: "Well, son, we're trying to make a baby." The kid: "Well, turn her over, dad, I'd rather have a puppy."

 

Edit: There's another ending too. After the kid asks his dad what the two dogs are doing, the dad answers: "Well, son, the one dog there is really tired and the other one is helping him out by carrying him on his back." The kid responds: "Geez, dad, that's just like life - you help out a friend and you end up getting fucked."

[Guest thaiworthy]

Of all the luck! I just offed a dyslexic go-go boy who offered to cook my socks for 500 baht.

[Guest scottishguy]

I went to the Zoo last week - it was terrible - all they had was one little dog.

It was a Shitzu

[ChristianPFC]

I don't understand Scotty's joke.

 

Here is one I invented today (or I once read a similar joke and forgot?) when I saw two Blacks (Negroes) when I was shopping:

 

I have nothing against Blacks; on the contrary, I think everyone should have one.

[Bob]

Christian, your first "joke" was beyond sick and not funny at all.  Your second "joke" also isn't funny and is racist to boot.   

[kokopelli]

I don't understand Scotty's joke.

It took me awhile to "get" Scotty's joke; only one animal a Shitzu = a Shit Zoo.

 

So, here is one from my youth; What is gray and comes in quart jars? Others can take a stab at the answer.

[Guest scottishguy]

Well, Koko, it must be an elephant?

 

Here's my contribution -

 

Q: What's grey with a large trunk?

[kokopelli]

Yes, an elephant!

[ChristianPFC]

I simply love racist, ... jokes!

 

But here is one I hope nobody finds offensive:

 

This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

 

(Explanation: According to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, you cannot simultaneously know both your position and speed. But this applies only to atomar level!)

[Guest fountainhall]

I find it far from offensive. I just don't understand it  

[kokopelli]

Good one Christian! For the uninformed here is a formula to assist you.

 

x=position; p = momentum ; h = Plank's constant. The triangle = delta. p(momentum) = mv(mass times velocity).

 

Basically it states that the more you know of one parameter (thing) the less you know of another parameter.

[Guest scottishguy]

Q: What's grey with a large trunk?

 

 

...an elephant!

 

No - a mouse going on holiday!

 

[Guest thaiworthy]

Instead of calling it the "John," I'm going to start calling my bathroom the "Jim." That way I can tell people I go the Jim every day.

[Guest thaiworthy]

From Facebook:

 

[ChristianPFC]

Two gays are watching a dog licking his balls. One says: "I wish I could do that.". The other replies: "Go on, try it. The dog doesn't look vicious to me."

 

(From memory, I clearly remember it with gays, although you can substite them with men.)

[Rogie]

You may have misheard or mis-remembered it as 'guys' rather than 'gays'. Gay guys are no more likely to wish they could lick their own balls than straights. If it really was 'gay' as originally told then I would have to query the reason for that. (apologies for pathetic homophone).

[Guest thaiworthy]

Gay guys are no more likely to wish they could lick their own balls than straights.

 

This makes perfect sense to me. I once asked a guy-- if it were mechanically possible, would he perform such an act. He replied, "Yes."

 

I then asked him the question, which in hindsight, seems very stupid now. I said, "if you could do that to yourself, why couldn't you do that with another guy?"

 

"I would do it only with myself," he said, "because it's still my body."

[KhorTose]

[Guest fountainhall]

There's a better one than that from the first of the "Airplane" movies.

 

[Guest anonone]

I was on the bus the other day when a Thai girl walked on.

I kept saying to myself, "please do not get a boner, please do not get a boner, please do not get a boner"

 

...but she did

[Guest anonone]

I simply love racist, ... jokes!

 

But here is one I hope nobody finds offensive:

 

This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

 

(Explanation: According to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, you cannot simultaneously know both your position and speed. But this applies only to atomar level!)

 

 

Good one Christian! For the uninformed here is a formula to assist you.

 

x=position; p = momentum ; h = Plank's constant. The triangle = delta. p(momentum) = mv(mass times velocity).

 

Basically it states that the more you know of one parameter (thing) the less you know of another parameter.

 

Or put more simply...

 

Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?

A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

 

 

[ChristianPFC]

Some more jokes about scientists:

 

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

(copied from the web):

Two math professors are sitting in a pub.

"Isn't it disgusting", the first one complains, "how little the general public knows about mathematics?"

"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."

"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the washroom now."

He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the
pretty, blonde waitress to come over.

"When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x
to the third over three. Can you do that?"

"Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three,
x to the third over three..."

When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, you're way too pessimistic.
I'm sure the waitress knows a lot more about mathematics than you imagine."

He makes her come over and asks her: "Can you tell us what the integral of x squared is?"

She replies: "x to the third over three."

The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his colleague grins smugly when the waitress adds: "...plus C."

 

 

One subject I don't make jokes about are concentration camps. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He was drunk and fell off a watch tower.

[Guest Jovianmoon]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check up. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

The doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

If I may be permitted to add a potentially offensive variation on that kind of pun, which is in extremely bad taste, then here it is: