CurtisD

Very useful thanks and a relief as my flights seem to be operating. My original airline cancelled my flight a few weeks back - they have cancelled all flights to Thailand - but the one I have rebooked with seems to be functioning.

I have a fully refundable trip booked for New Year, which I had been thinking I might need to cancel yet again until the new one night quarantine was announced. Now I am making sure I have all the required paperwork & insurance in place, including a yellow international vaccine card.

I have scheduled my booster shot and will take the international certificate with me for the hospital to record all three shots (they did my previous two). The idea is to have both the international vaccine card and the US one. Hopefully this works - will report back.

There were 3 interviews which took place over a 20 month period in 2011-2012. The participants were aged 18-19 at time of the first interview. Only 5 of the 25 participants were involved in the bar scene at any time and of those their attitude toward their fellow bar-boys was mixed, some seeing the culture as being bad as it encouraged a cycle of partying, drugs and consumption that made bar work necessary to maintain the cycle. Most of the participants seem to have been looking for a long term relationship and for the poorer ones this was often structured as seeking an exchange of differences with a partner who could not only help them but also their family - this was the case whether or not they got involved in the bar scene. The author was surprised by how lacking in knowledge they were as the participants were obtained through advertising to participate in a study related to improving knowledge of HIV on gay aps and networks. Bangkok Guy is younger than the participants in the study and is very informed about HIV/AIDS. The only form of sex is safe sex. I am now curious to understand how he became so well informed. My guess is that his 'older sister' with whom he runs some of the market stalls may have clued him in.

My copy arrived the other day and I read it through in one sitting over a pot of coffee. This is a book with a serious purpose – to better understand the life experience and mindset of young gay (not the term used in the book) ex-urban Thai guys in order to see if there is a better way to get them up to speed on the risk of HIV and the need for safe sex before they become part of the 30% of gay men in urban centers with HIV. As it is a serious book, it is not written for light reading and there is some academic jargon. However, it is pretty readable, much more so than I would have expected for a book of this type. The book is based around interviews with 25 guys over an 18 month period in which they finish high school and go on to higher education or the job market, usually leaving their home town for a city. What the guys say is quite illuminating and requires a re-read. There is a lot of material and having only read through it once over coffee the precis that follows may need amendment on a second reading. The Thai framing of life in general including sexuality is quite different to the Western framing. There are many strands here, which in combination suggest that a Western approach to HIV outreach (peer-groups, gay-community-based support) will be much less effective than it is in the West because (i) young Thais listen better to someone more senior in the social hierarchy than a peer and (ii) young gay Thais do not see themselves as part of a gay community – creating an identity around being gay makes as much sense to them as creating an identity around a brand of car or a football team. The process through which they and their family and friends recognize their sexual difference is quite different to that of a Western teen. · Thai society places a lot of value on appearances – on behaving correctly and fulfilling the expected role – and less value on factual truth. As long as you fulfill public role expectations, what you do in private is not of much concern as long as it does not hurt anyone. This means that having separate public and private personas is totally acceptable, not hypocritical. · Same-sex attraction is not a sin or bad behavior. It is bad luck. You have been dealt an unlucky hand because achieving a stable same-sex relationship is very difficult, if it is possible at all. Your chance of being happy in love is thus less than a straight persons. In karmic terms it is punishment for being a homewrecker in a previous life. · Sexual roles are defined along gender lines. If you are gay, you are assumed to be more female and it is assumed that acting and being female is what you want. Hence the recognized role of kathoey. Many of the guys interviewed were accepted and socialized as kathoey by their family and community before going to the city. As they gained experience they realized that they were not in fact passive and changed their self-presentation from kathoey to Man. · The fact that same-sex attracted people are accepted – with a slight second-class status as ‘bad luck’ – means they feel part of the broader family and community and creating a separate gay community does not feel so necessary. · The Thai view is that successful long term relationships are built on the combination of the differences that each partner brings to the relationship. Male/female, top/bottom, young/old, rich/poor, attractive/unattractive. The relationship is built on the exchange of these differences. · For teens of both sexes from poor backgrounds, this understanding of ‘exchange of differences’ provides a deeper logic to finding an older, wealthier partner than the logic that is obvious to Westerners. · The obligation to the family, particularly the mother, is life-long. The debt to the mother can never be repaid. You need to be a good son and support your family and particularly your mother. If you cannot provide grandchildren, you can compensate by greater provision of lifestyle support. You still have a role and maintain face. · Entering the bar scene is not loss of face. (i) The separation of public/private personas is not hypocrisy. In your home town you are a good son supporting your family. You do not escort in your home town, that would lose face, but out of sight is fine. (ii) As same-sex attracted you are thought of in a female role framework, so finding a husband to support you is a legitimate objective. To improve the economic status of the family, a wealthy husband would be preferable. Working bars is a way, probably the only way, to meet a wealthy man. · An ex-urban teen arriving in the city is likely to have very little knowledge of HIV and AIDs and safe/unsafe sex. · An ex-urban teen arriving in the city will not seek out a gay community and so will not encounter gay support groups who handle HIV/AIDs education. · A same-sex attracted teen arriving in the city has probably been conditioned to be passive, to seek an older wealthier partner and to follow the lead of this partner who is more senior in the hierarchy. So initially the teen is likely to be the receptive partner not the penetrative one and will take the lead of their partner on safe or unsafe sex practices. This creates a very big risk that they are infected with HIV early in their sexual experience. After some initial experiences, they may realize that they prefer the active role, and if they have contracted HIV and continue to not practice safe sex, they then help to spread it. And there you have the 30% positive rate among gay urban Thai men.

The only place I ask this question is Thailand as that is the only place I go to working bars. I don't use 'gay' though as it is freighted with too many different meanings. I ask the guy if he likes boy or girl or both, or which he likes best, boy or girl? I think the answers are honest within the normal range of confusion over what a guy thinks he likes or is willing to admit he likes. The chemistry is usually best with guys who like guys, so that is my preference, but it can also be good with guys who like both in cultures where things are a little more fluid. One of my best experiences in Thailand was with a guy who proudly showed me photos of his daughter and whose priority was clearly supporting his wife ('she beautiful', very proudly) and child, but who equally clearly enjoyed sex with guys. Well, clearly enjoyed sex and being admired. In the West I only like gay guys and as I don't use working boys this is who I meet. An exception decades ago was a guy who had married very young, clearly loved his wife and child but now realized he was gay. Hot, sweet and a complete emotional mess due to the more rigid expectations of a Western society. That encounter convinced me to stick with gay guys who were comfortable in themselves and to avoid straight, confused or self-hating gay guys.

Will do!

I have ordered a copy to see what insights it provides into Bangkok Guy. Any reduction is guesswork is valuable, even at $90 a copy. Cheaper on Kindle, but I enjoy leafing through a book over coffee.

Strangely, this is true and I think also gives me a clearer perspective on what is important in my life. Since I have known Bangkok Guy my interest in material possessions has declined. Let's not take that too far, I am still quite materialistic. But I now find myself comparing an acquisition with what the same money would mean to Bangkok Guy and the majority of times deciding that the object I am contemplating will not in fact increase my happiness.

In a relationship you have to. However, before doing so it is necessary to have some understanding of what motivates the other person - their desires, fears and frame of reference. Given the cultural and language gap I clearly do not have 20:20 vision on Bangkok Guy. However, I think (possibly incorrectly) that I have enough visibility to be comfortable trusting him. What makes me comfortable is: * He is very grounded and straightforward. No games or make-believe. If he says something then, assuming he knows what he is talking about, it is so. * His objective in life is not a personal one but a group one - to contribute to his family. Because of this he is not personally grasping. My usefulness is to help him contribute to his family, not to provide glittery gifts. The only times he requests anything it is a family issue. Any clothes or travel is my offer to him and he enjoys this - just watch him Shopping - but it is nothing he has asked for. The only time he has hinted that he would like something personal was the dragon charm, but that was for the luck not the gold because luck is always useful to help you contribute to your family. * When we are together it is clear that I am to be looked after. This may be because it is only natural to look after a water buffalo so it continues to be productive. It may be affection, after all it is possible to feel affection for the family water buffalo. It may be a little romance. Bangkok Guy has a romantic heart. He likes the attention I pay him as much or more than anything I give him. A shirt is nice, but when I admire him in a shirt, that is really satisfying. The most satisfying is when I pay him thoughtful little courtesies which show I am thinking of him. * We amuse each other. I enjoy his sense of mischief but beyond that his continual combination of niceness/straightforwardness/optimism somehow tickles me. Watching him process life though this lens continually makes me smile. Somehow, I amuse him. I quite often see him watching me with a look of quiet amusement. I have no idea what about me amuses him. Possibly I simply process life in a way that amuses him. The point is, he feels like a friend and because friends see each other more clearly than lovers, there is a better basis for trust. All this may of course be wishful thinking and a melange of misinterpretation. Still, I will trust, because without trust nothing is possible.

Corresponding with Bangkok Guy over the last several months has given me a little insight into how hard Covid is making life for poor Thais (Bangkok Guy is straightforward about his economic status as he is about everything “I am very poor person”). Back in April I noticed a ring on his wedding finger. “You marry lady! How many children you have!” “Nooo” he replies, rolling his eyes at such a silly suggestion. Falang can be so silly. “No? Then you marry hot muscle boy from Jupiter!” Bangkok Guy likes the buff Jupiter guys. “Nooo”, this time with head down slightly bashfully as for some reason his attraction to Jupiter muscle studs is secret. Then, looking at me bright with mischief, “You give me”. “I?” “Yes, give me dragon but risky, people steal, so get ring”. Last trip I gave him the money to buy a fat gold dragon charm on a red cord bracelet. The serious business of comparison Shopping had run us out of time to buy one before the shops shut, so I gave him the cash. I had not seen him wearing it. Now all is explained, sort of. Bangkok Guy is not one to make things up, so if he says risky then it is risky. Possibly economic stress is leading to desperate acts in the poorer parts of Bangkok he inhabits. He is not a fantasist, so I doubt he just went and bought a ring in a haze of self-delusion. However, as a safer way to carry gold, a ring is a nice rationalization for a little bit of wish-fulfillment. “Ok” I smile. He beams. I have acknowledged the ring as from me, even though he knows it does not signify that the full requirements of his fantasy are met. Then for a week I can’t contact him on Line. I email. He does not have his iphone anymore, but email is ok. I don’t ask for an explanation and don’t offer to buy an iphone and so we correspond by email, which is not as good as seeing him. In May, panic. Fully fledged. It is the famous time-payment tractor again. His market has been closed so he does not have the money for his contribution. His mother also does not have her contribution. If the payment is missed they will lose the tractor and it is the final payment. His desperation is real. He has been contributing to paying this thing off for about 7 years. When I met him he was a student and I suspect dancing was his way to earn the money to contribute to the tractor. In the past he has shown me financial documents, so I don’t think the tractor is a more sophisticated version of ‘buffalo me die’. Although, with the documents, it could be a very sophisticated version. I ask what the balance due is. Much less than I expected. I send the cash. His emotion is something I have not seen from him before. He is a calm, cheerful, balanced guy. “You save my life” along with a photo of the paid bill. By late June I am getting tired of not seeing him, so I ask if he would like an iphone. “Thanks you. I want but it’s not necessary because expensive”. How to interpret that? He is careful with money, but I don’t think that is the answer. Maybe he wants the money but not an iphone? Maybe an iphone is at risk of being stolen? My guess is that the money would be appreciated but an iphone is at risk of being stolen and is also just not a need when other needs are more pressing. I have a trip booked early in the New Year and had intended to surprise him with the cash to buy his great aunt’s plot of land. I decide he probably needs it now and send it to him out of the blue, explaining what it is for. Bangkok Guy’s thanks are effusive. He is off to the Provinces. There is a great sense of relief. My guess is that he wanted to get the heck out of Bangkok but felt obliged to stay to try to scrape up some additional income to contribute to the family. I don’t think he will use the cash to buy the land for himself. My guess is that it will be used to contribute to the family, enabling him to get out of Bangkok and return home while retaining face. He is also fulfilling his part of our deal and praying for the success of my business “I wish your business better and better”. Remind me to ask my accountant about expensing Bangkok Guy as Head of Celestial Outreach. So now I have a very happy Bangkok Guy who apparently has my ring.

From the wisdom of Colonel Vikorn (to whom I defer completely ). John Burdett's Bangkok Tattoo p31

Boom's goal is to create a supersonic plane with the capacity of the business class cabin of a regular plane that is profitable at normal business class fares. Concord was never profitable because (i) it drank fuel, (ii) as it aged the maintenance costs became steep and (iii) it was rarely full at the premium price point required to cover costs. Boom are using current technology to greatly reduce fuel consumption and noise (though not enough to fly supersonic over land as you can't get rid of the sonic boom) and make it easier to fly and maintain (no need for a drop nose). So they are using modern tech to deal with two out of three problems Concord faced, leaving the question of demand. On demand they sound pretty up-beat and, if they really can bring it in at the cost of normal business class, I suspect they are probably right. I flew Concord quite a few times in the 1990s as although I did not need the saved time it was fun. If they can hold the cost to around normal business class I think a lot of people will be attracted by the fun factor. The number of people for whom flying Europe-US-Europe in a day is necessary is limited (the speed advantage to get in a days work and be home for evening cocktails only works in that direction and SanFran-Tokyo-SanFran is more like a red-eye arriving back in time for breakfast) and I think will decline with the increased use of video-meetings. But the potential for fun is very large relative to the number of seats per flight.

I have been all-in on linen for a long time, shirts and trousers. No shorts, I am not big on sunburned calves or shins. Any falang wearing shorts is not me. Linen is very comfortable in a hot climate and looks good. I don’t mind the wrinkled look and I have the hotel or a local laundry do my laundry so I am not looking for drip-dry. Every so often I get a tailor in Singapore/India/Thailand to run up a few new shirts and trousers. Linen wears well. I am still wearing things that are over ten years old and none-the-worse for wear. The shirts I have made in both button-down collar and collarless. Always long sleeved against the sun, although I often roll the sleeves up a little way as I do not like stuff around my wrists. I do the same with business shirts, I have never seen the point in French cuffs or cufflinks. When I wear a collarless shirt I also wear a cotton/linen/silk scarf knotted around my neck to keep the sun off. The trousers I have made either with pleats and cuffs and with a roomy leg or as a simple elastic and draw-string waist, baggy and formless except a taper toward the cuff. The first type I can wear with a jacket (linen also) if I need to, the second type are totally informal and are useful to pull over swim shorts. Everything is in some variation of white/cream/beige/olive/blue with the exception of some of the collarless shirts in bright stripes and one pair of strawberry crush draw-string trousers. I rather like the strawberry crush draw-strings but they get the constipated look from Bangkok Guy and then the mischief. “Nice pants (unspoken 'for lady'). Today I am man?” I also always take a sun hat, either a panama or an old cotton safari one.

I don't think so. After I moved away we met only once, about eighteen months later. We were both sixteen and both had girlfriends. He had simply moved on to girls. In my new city I had not found another guy to hook up with and decided that I should try girls. I knew I was attracted to guys but had read that for some guys it was a passing phase, so why not test that theory? Also I liked to party, I liked girls as friends and in high school it was easier to party if you had a girlfriend. His problem was that his girlfriend would not move off second base. My problem was that my girlfriend wanted to move off second base. I knew then that it was not a phase, I was gay. If it had been possible, which it wasn't, we would have gone to bed. Me because I was gay. Him out of habit and pent up frustration that his girlfriend would not do it.

I first had sex somewhere around my 13th birthday, which side of that birthday I am unsure. It was the school holidays. After hitting puberty at ten I had waited long enough and my determination to engage in sex finally reached fruition. Reaching puberty at ten was a mixed blessing. Being one of the first in my age group to grow pubes drew a lot of curious attention from the other guys, which being reserved I was not keen on. On the other hand the additional height and muscle mass transformed me into a top sportsman and I began to bring home trophies from inter-school athletics meets. I don’t remember how I zeroed in on the guy I was to have sex with. His growth spurt had also made him good at sports – he was to become the youngest ever member of the 1st XI. He must have given off a few signals. He was in my class but we had different friends. The only time we were ever close at school was for the annual class photo - from the age of eleven as the two tallest guys we stood next to each other in every photo. Approaching the question of sex directly was not happening. The chosen indirect route was strip poker, with a deck carefully rigged to ensure we both goth naked with plenty of suspense. Once naked we got into experimentation very fast and kept at it for two years until my family moved very far away. We never became friends during term time, remaining within our separate circles. During the holidays we were inseparable. Day-long bike rides into the hills and hikes into the forest. On days when I was certain both my parents were out for the day we hung out at my place. As long as our parents knew our plans and we returned by dinner time they were fine and pleased that we were friends. I am not sure what they made of the switch that flipped to make us friendly but distant during the term and joined at the hip in the holidays. My Worldly parents probably understood and decided to let nature take its course and not pry. The only time we came near to being caught we were experimenting with having sex on the floating lounger in the pool (it is possible, but the effort to maintain balance constrains the sex). A car came down the driveway, from the sound not any of our parents. The pool was in the side garden which was completely fenced so not a problem. I assumed that whoever it was would go to the front door and then I would call out over the fence to them. There was no way I could answer the door with a raging erection even if I pulled on my speedos. Rather than the front door, the person from the car came to the garden gate and it was not bolted! He must have heard us. From the time the gate began to open to the time the man came through we were off the lilo, grabbed our speedos from the side of the pool and were almost to the gate end of the pool. No way he could see us naked or realize we were unless he came right up to the pool (our speedos were not on but in our hands under the water). I forget what he wanted but he came no further than the gate, which I ever-after ensured was bolted. After moving away we gradually lost touch. My friend married in his twenties and from social media he looks to still be happily married and active in sports.

An excellent book! Working out which books have influenced me, as opposed to informing or amusing me, has been an interesting exercise. There are an almost overwhelming number of books from which to choose - I am writing this in my library surrounded by a lot of books. However, with one exception, the books which have influenced me, the threads from which are still in my brain unconsciously shaping my views and perceptions, are books I read when I was young. It is not that I have not acquired a lot of knowledge over the intervening years, but this later knowledge is held in the conscious mind and I am aware I use it. As a child I had free run of my grandfather's library. I have warm memories of sitting by the window, the sun and air coming in from the garden, my nose buried in one of his books. One of which was inscribed to him at the age of eight and presented such a joyfully insouciant picture of thumbing the nose at authority that it had me riveted. Clearly under the right circumstances nose thumbing was more than ok, it was ones duty! Granddad’s book said so and at the time I knew him Granddad was every inch the respected citizen, so it must be so. I knew better than to ask him for confirmation, he was now Granddad with standards to uphold. But this book ‘The Lost Squire of Inglewood’ was well thumbed. My absolute respect for Authority never recovered. Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Kim’ is another book I read when young that encouraged adventure rather than compliance with any particular set of behavioral expectations. The variety of people and unfamiliar thought patterns fascinated me and left a lasting interest in ‘the other’. ‘The World Over’ a two volume collection of short stories by Somerset Maugham embedded an interest in understanding social structures and the suspicion that social structures and attitudes may not be all they were cracked up to be. It helped that several stories had gay themes. Top of the gay list, apart from a medical text with illustrations of the syphilitic brain which has forever lead me to practice very careful sex, are books of two very different types, romantic versus gritty. The romantic are the novels of Mary Renault, particularly ‘The Charioteer’ and ‘The Persian Boy’. Gay was normal! Gay was in fact just as I felt it to be. How happy was that! Now I could stare down the prejudices of the World for what they were – dumb nonsense. The gritty is ‘Ruling Passions’ the autobiography of Tom Driburg, Lord Bradwell, the Labour politician. It lyrically describes a cum stain as resembling a map of Ireland. I read this when it came out in 1977 and it was an eye-opener to how easily and randomly the gay male sex drive could be satisfied. I remained a Renault-romantic, but with eyes more wide open. Also in the gritty camp is a spy novel with an openly gay subtext, given to me that Christmas by an aunt who knew I had read Driburg’s autobiography. The protagonist remains closeted, has increasingly sad lonely hook-up sex and dies a sad fuck. The conclusion embedded in my mind is the one I suspect my aunt was aiming for: Renault is a better model than Driburg (but an occasional Driburg moment is fun). I have searched the shelves and can’t find the book. A more sophisticated influence is Machiavelli’s ‘Discourses’ into which I feel he put both his intellect and his heart, while ‘The Prince’ received only a narrow sliver of his intellect. It gave me a subconscious warning bell that in human affairs nothing is stable and that democracy is the best system but a very fragile one. That bell has been ringing off the hook in recent years. The last and most recent influence by many years is ‘Behind the Beautiful Forevers’ by Katherine Boo which I picked up in India thinking it was a novel. I could not believe how deep the characterization’s were. Then I read the dust jacket more carefully and discovered it was in fact non-fiction based on long-term contact with a group of slum dwellers. What struck me was the entirely different logic of survival in the slum to the logic of survival in my world. To survive in the slum I would have to un-learn much of what I have learnt and a successful slum-dweller would have great difficulty transitioning to my world. You really need to make the effort to understand other people’s frame of reference because you can’t assume it is your own.

This very sad tale is a warning of both the risks of planning for retirement in general and particularly retirement outside of your home country. From your original post it seems that they purchased their apartment around 2000. It also seems they are reliant on the income from their own capital as their pensions are meager. Whether they are originally from the US/UK/EU the following facts will be roughly the same: * Since 2000 they will have lost 10-20% on the exchange rate, assuming they left their capital offshore. * If they were relying on interest income, the yield on Government paper will have been around 6% in 2000 when they made the move. Following the GFC in 2008 this will have dropped fairly rapidly to 3% then 1% and now nearly nothing. If they started with $1m in capital their income will have declined from a livable $60k in 2000 to $30k by 2009 to almost nothing now. The GFC followed by Covid has been very bad for anyone trying to live off interest income. * If they were not trying to live off fixed income the stock market implosion that went with the GFC may have permanently impaired their capital, particularly if they took money out after the crash rather than holding on long enough to benefit from the recovery. * If they were conservative to begin with in 2000 and were in bonds, the drop in interest rates post 2008 may have lead them to take on more risk to increase their income as interest rates declined, investing in lower-graded bonds with higher default risk or in the share market. The higher risk may have then worked against them and they lost money after already being in a tight situation. * Then on top of this comes rising health insurance costs. In 2000 with a home and $1m in capital, moving to Thailand would have seemed low-risk. At worst, between exchange rate movements, interest rate fluctuations and higher insurance premiums, maybe you would have thought the worst would be a halving of your net income for a few years (not over 10 years), which would be uncomfortable but manageable. There but for the Grace of God ........

I will base my predictions (read ‘wild flights of the imagination’) on a few macro trends as I can’t hope to compete with Vinapu on street-level prognostication. 1. The Chinese will be the major customers as more of them achieve the middle class income that supports travel. 2. European presence will decline due to events in the UK. Britain’s post-Brexit economy will not be strong enough to support current living standards, leading to a revival of Victorian era poverty and income disparities which in turn increase the number of young men willing to use their physical charms to get by. Cultural differences with Thailand will lead to a more behind-closed-doors commercial expression of this abundance of flesh – refer to the Cleveland Street scandal for what this looked like 130 years ago. With Britain becoming Europe’s Issan, European customers will be diverted there, as will some Chinese. 3. As the Thai economy continues to grow and more Thai enter the middle class, the bar boys will become overwhelmingly imports from neighboring countries and possibly the UK. 4. As climate change induced flooding increases in frequency and severity Bangkok real estate will become increasingly less desirable. The maps below are from the Nov 2 2019 Bangkok Post and show the area below predicted annual flood heights by 2050 under two different mappings of the true land height – the very red one is the more accurate. The most low-lying parts will be abandoned to low-rent use first, possibly by 2030, creating an entire new entertainment zone. Think of 1920s Berlin meets Bangkok with neon illuminating permanently flooded streets and punters moving between buildings via second story walkways.

This post is a bit of a self-indulgence, reflecting the fact that I am missing travel to Thailand. It has no current information, which will be obvious from ".. I am missing travel to Thailand" You have been warned. Somehow, when I book a trip it gets put on the calendar but cancelation of the trip does not remove it. Recently my calendar has been greeting me each morning with announcements to check-in to flights I will not be taking and hotels that no longer expect my arrival. It’s rubbing salt into the wound of not seeing Bangkok Guy for a very long time. Although Covid has closed his market he remains cheerful as he shows me his current stock, dark blue sports shorts with a gold Thai-style design. As always, very smart. He has good taste. I recently went through about eight years-worth of photos in my camera and iphone to find shots to put into frames to remind me of good times. An exercise in creating good cheer among the frustration. I wanted one of Bangkok Guy and I found I had fewer shots of him than I expected. Then the penny dropped. At the end of each trip Bangkok Guy goes through all the photos I have taken and edits out the ones of him that he does not like. Occasionally if I plead to keep one he relents, but often not. Image management is a serious business. After watching him I think what he is doing, apart from removing the obvious duds with shut eyes, is deleting those which do not comport to his self-image. Messy hair and untidy clothing are a no. The biggest no is if he thinks his skin looks dark. As long as his hair is in place, cloths tidy and skin fair, he passes over shots in which he looks kind of dorky. If it were me managing my image, those are the ones I would remove, although in his case I think the dorky ones are sweet. After you know someone for a while you come to recognize certain characteristic expressions. The photos caught two of Bangkok Guys characteristic expressions very well, omitted one and caught one I should have known existed but somehow it hadn’t registered. Some people suffer from resting bitch face. Not Bangkok Guy. The natural resting position of his face is a thoughtful, calm, into-the-distance expression, as though he is in quiet reflection. A photo from our Luang Prebang trip captured this perfectly. Attired in well-fitted cream and white linen and at ease in a wicker chair against a backdrop of jungle with a glimpse of the Mekong, his chin resting lightly on the tips of his long dancers' fingers, Bangkok Guy is a study in calm reflection. It’s almost a fashion catalogue shot. Bangkok Guy does not have a poker face. Some part of whatever is passing thorough his mind, probably the major part, shows on his face. Given our mutual language issue, this is very useful and face-reading is a big part of communication. To his frustration this makes it difficult for him to spring surprises on me as his sense of humor veers strongly towards a sense of mischief and his mischievous intent always shines out brightly. One photo perfectly captures this look of impending devilment. It is the one looking at me now from a silver frame on my desk. I showed it to Bangkok Guy during a Line call and the strength of his smile almost crashed the network. Very Happy that he is with me. The missing expression is Irritated. Bangkok Guy never looks cross or angry in the way I look cross and angry. When I am irritated it is obvious. When I am truly angry my expression could strip paint off a wall. With Bangkok Guy you need to know him to recognize the expression which conveys irritation. He looks constipated. My guess is that it comes out this way as he is experiencing an emotion which he feels the need to suppress. As soon as I see the constipated look I seek out its cause. It is important to prevent constipation lingering and turning into impacted bowel syndrome. It might be monkey pee and poop on the steps at Mt Popa or a family member on his iphone but if he is not on the phone and there are no monkeys nearby, it will be me. More specifically, it will be my farang-ness crossing some unseen-to-me line in his Thai-ness. The important thing is to recognize the expression as, once I have done this, it is easy to surface and solve. A questioning elevation of an eyebrow or a simple “What think?” is all it takes to indicate I have seen there is an issue and to open the door for him to tell me what is on his mind. He is not going to come straight out with some piece of criticism, I need to open the door, then he is responding to my question, not criticizing. At least I think that is the logic? My most frequent transgression is being tied to the hands of my watch. Bangkok Guy sees no point in rushing to be on time. Being more-or-less on time, yes ok. But rushing if you are running late, no. If you rush you are guaranteed to arrive sweating and bedraggled and that is a major no-no. Better to arrive late looking good. He is slowly breaking me in as I think he has a point, at least in Thailand. We had tried to fit too much into the day and I was running about 10-15 minutes late to a fitting, so once out of the BTS station I set off at a brisk trot to cover the long block or so to the tailor. Bangkok Guy gave me a constipated look and continued to stroll as I moved away with ‘sorry, late’. When he caught me up in the air-conditioned shop constipation turned to mischief and he asked ever-so-innocently ‘you not see tailor?’ Well, no, I was sweating and had to go and towel off and dry down before the fitting. Better to arrive late looking good. When traveling we are more in sync about being on time. Bangkok Guy approves of my habit of arriving ninety minutes to two hours in advance of a flight as he sees the point in ensuring there is no need to rush. He knows that planes unlike tailors will not wait. The expression that had not registered with me before was Seductive. Deeply, seriously, a finger dipped in an ice-cold martini and traced slowly over warm skin seductive. On the Mekong cruise Bangkok Guy in loose black cotton pants and a black short sleeved linen shirt is sitting, leaning back against the railing, both arms spread languidly along the top of the rail, his head very slightly down, looking straight at me from under his brow. Lauren Bacall has competition and from a very unexpected quarter. However, when I think about it, it is only unexpected because Bacall’s writers wrote in long pauses freighted with meaning to enable the stare to linger and burn into the soul while Bangkok Guy and I crack each other up too much for the whole slow-burn seductive thing to last more than a few seconds. Maybe we need a second set of writers?

Unless the first time is good, or at least shows promise, there is no second time. It’s more fun to cast the line again and see what you reel in. If the first time is good, the second time is likely to be better as the frisson of newness is intact while understanding of each other has improved. The further the connection continues beyond the second time, the more complex life becomes. One issue is the extent of the trade-off between the decline in the excitement of exploration, discovery and newness versus the increase in understanding, connectivity and friendship. Another issue is the potential for unrealistic expectations to develop on either side. For me, combining a regular with a little butterflying has been a workable solution to these countervailing forces. Until Bangkok Guy that is, the pleasure of whose company greatly outweighs the decline in frisson. So far

Thanks for a great thread. Seeing that Le Meridian is one of the quarantine hotels makes me very tempted, but being away for so long (two weeks quarantine plus then at least a month to compensate) is just not practical for me. I have booked a (fully refundable) trip for the second half of the year by which time I hope with vaccination and a day-of-departure Covid test I will be able to avoid quarantine. I got very good pricing on top hotels in Bangkok and a stunning beach-side villa, so Bangkok Guy and I will enjoy our reunion in style.

I check with Bangkok Guy on his experience with Paypal to see if there was anything at his end I was not aware of. He gets the amount I send in his Paypal account in full the next day. But, transfer from his Paypal account to his bank account takes several days.

Yes, international. Yes, that is where they get you. Bangkok Guy uses Paypal so it is convenient, but not frictionless.

This surprises me. Bangkok Guy and I use Paypal. The fee is 1.5% to me and there is no fee at his end. I use the 'friends and family' option.