Question about sending boy money

[oreos]

I would like some advice about whether sending some condolence money (?) to a boy after the passing of his father would be appropriate, welcomed, or if the whole idea is absurd. I did offer (as we send some money in our country even if we cannot attend the funeral and I am of the understanding there is a similar culture in laos), but his reply was vague and left me directionless.

 

For context: we are not of long acquaintance, but at the beginning of a 2-month-long trip that started approximately 2 and a half months ago, we met (or rather we saw each other) at one of the bars, and over the course of my travels I managed to off him 3 times. My only regret was not meeting him more in lieu of other boys; indeed, I was considering flying to bkk next weekend to see him again as I knew that he would return home soon after songkran. Reaching out via Line to check his schedule was when I learned of the passing of his father.

 

He was not the one who proffered this information, but his profile pic was one that suggested of such an event, and I was the one who initiated the exchange. Upon which I learned he had returned only a couple of days I had left bkk, over two weeks ago, and the funeral had already concluded.

 

I have yet to have any friends whose parents have passed (apart from one instance in middle school), and this is wholly uncharted territory for me, made complicated more so by the nature of our relationship. I am fully aware he is a prostitute, it is not a good idea to offer or send money, and that our relationship is likely to never develop past the client-service provider stage. However, I think most would agree that the passing of a father is not a typical event, and despite the aforementioned reasons I cannot help but wanting to help him out during what must be a difficult time to say the least (he is the only son, I think). As insignificant as the gesture must be I cannot think of any other way that would aid him in his grief.

 

I did ask him if he needed anything, and later directly asked him if he needed money for the funeral arrangements or condolence money. His reply was that he is grieving the loss currently and doesn't know what else to tell me. Any further probes from me must feel like a violation during what must be an agonizing time I cannot begin to comprehend, and I am hesitant to reach out again. Any advice on how to proceed, or even just how to provide comfort, meager it may be, to someone who has lost a loved one would be greatly appreciated. Or alternatively, please feel free to tell me how stupid I am to be considering sending money to a bar boy I've stayed together for a total of 3 grand times.

 

 Khop khun mak krap

[vinapu]

1 hour ago, oreos said:

Or alternatively, please feel free to tell me how stupid I am to be considering sending money to a bar boy I've stayed together for a total of 3 grand times.

 

 

You are not stupid. You just want to help somebody who you feel deserved it. Whether you saw him 3 times or 333 , it's irrelevant. Don't overthink it , just send what you feel like. Your good karma will follow .

In beginning of Covid, upon learning boy I met only once but was very impressed with, got stuck in his native Cambodia and took very low job , just to stay afloat, with help of forum friend I sent him  some money. Boy barely remembered me if at all and yet, 2 years later when we met by chance in soi 4  he recognized me then, thanking me several times. Rest i.e. subsequent  multiple offs is just a history

 

[hank75]

You sound like a great guy with a good heart but based on what my regular guy told me about his father’s passing last year, I personally would not send for these reasons:

If he were truly in need he would have taken you up on the offer when you asked, or reached out again once the offer sunk in 

Since he is not respnsive to your offer, asking him again might make him feel pressured to accept out of courtesy. Then you would have to coordinate logistics of getting bank details or him to do cash pick up from Western Union or similar. You do not know if it’s possible to send money to Laos bank account or (if he is from a rural family) if he is anywhere in proximity to a cash pick up point. Your goodwill may instead become a hassle to him especially if you only plan to send a small amount. If you send to his Thai bank account (assuming he has one) I’m sure it would be gratefully received but may not have much impact as his mind is focused on his family and being with them in Laos. Of course if you plan to send a significant amount of money to make the hassle worthwhile, please ignore me but would advise against since you have only met him 3 times. 

When my guy’s father passed unexpectedly his life was completely upended. He felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not being by his deathbed, worry for his widowed mother and mental stress from suddenly becoming the only man in a rural farming household…and he was just a bar boy who had been away from the farm for years. I don’t know your boy’s situation but grief and worry can be complicated. 

My advice is to send him a message saying you’re thinking of him, would like to see him again, and to let you know when he’s back at work. This way he can feel reassured knowing he can make up loss in earnings when he’s ready to return, and his customers haven’t moved on. 

But this is just my two cents and no matter what you choose (even if you’ve already sent money) as vinapu says, a kind heart and good karma will find its way. No wrong choices here. 

 

 

[jimmie50]

24 minutes ago, hank75 said:

you would have to coordinate logistics of getting bank details or him to do cash pick up from Western Union or similar. You do not know if it’s possible to send money to Laos bank account or (if he is from a rural family) if he is anywhere in proximity to a cash pick up point.

I might add here that if he does not have proper documents for working in Thailand, it can get pretty complicated for someone to receive money.  If you go the bank route, you would need his account information for the bank in Laos.  That would be a wire transfer which takes time for him to actually receive the money.  Depending on his bank, he might not be able to access the money from Thailand.  If he is in Bangkok and you send the money via Western Union, without proper documentation he will not be able to pick up the money from WU.  If you send it via WU to Laos and he is in Bangkok, again...he won't be able to pick it up.  Sending money to the guys working in the clubs in Thailand who are from Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Myanmar, etc. and are considered illegals gets very, very complicated.  Your heart is in the right place, but what you wish to do is not easy.  

[vinapu]

4 minutes ago, jimmie50 said:

 Sending money to the guys working in the clubs in Thailand who are from Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Myanmar, etc. and are considered illegals gets very, very complicated.  Your heart is in the right place, but what you wish to do is not easy.  

One of solution is to use  somebody who is already there as intermediary who will hand money over and will get reimbursed or be given money in advance  as those things are easier in our countries. Of course degree of trust is required.  

[Londoner]

Western Union is an expensive but reliable option. The receiver doesn't even need a bank account.

If you want to send money do so, as long as you're not impoverishing yourself....which I assume is unlikely.  You hold all the cards; if the guy is looking exploit you, don't answer communications. If he is appreciatve then good; you have, in Buddhist terms, made merit and this will affect your passage through this life into the next.

Apart from my  partner,  I can think of three recipients of my largesse over the years. I have no regrets: none of them harassed me for extra donations.

 

[jason1975]

@oreos you have a good heart! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

[PeterRS]

On 4/13/2026 at 9:28 AM, jimmie50 said:

If he is in Bangkok and you send the money via Western Union, without proper documentation he will not be able to pick up the money from WU.

Thai banks - and I believe WU - will require a formal valid ID.

[oreos]

On 4/13/2026 at 11:43 AM, vinapu said:

One of solution is to use  somebody who is already there as intermediary who will hand money over and will get reimbursed or be given money in advance  as those things are easier in our countries. Of course degree of trust is required.  

Unfortunately, as I have no such acquaintances in bkk and the boy is in Laos, this is not an option.

 

On a personal note, may I take this opportunity to thank you for your contributions to this forum? Your posts were the ones that first convinced me to visit bkk and the suggestion that the Thai Tourism Authority erect a statue in your honor isn't that far off, I think.

 

On 4/13/2026 at 10:57 AM, hank75 said:

You sound like a great guy with a good heart but based on what my regular guy told me about his father’s passing last year, I personally would not send for these reasons:

 

Thank you for your reply, I'll follow your suggestion and hold off from mentioning sending money unless he brings it up first. He lives in Savannakhet and from what little I've been able to glean I don't think the family is in immediate danger of being destitute (sent a picture of the funeral that made me want to grab a ticket to Vientiane and give him a good hug). It's just a bit frustrating because there's nothing more I can do. Ideally, I'd hand it over in person, but I don't know when I'll be able to see him again, if ever.

 

I hope that your regular is doing okay now? If I may ask, do you know how long it took for him to come to terms with the loss (if indeed he has managed to)?

[oreos]

On 4/13/2026 at 11:28 AM, jimmie50 said:

I might add here that if he does not have proper documents for working in Thailand, it can get pretty complicated for someone to receive money.

He is currently in Laos and should have a Laos bank account (or is this too much of an assumption) so shouldn't be impossible if the need arises.

 

Thank you for the input, but I've decided to give him some space for now. And thank you for sharing your recent adventures involving a certain Mr. Cam. Reading about them made the loneliness after returning from bkk a bit more bearable.

 

18 hours ago, jason1975 said:

@oreos you have a good heart! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

A good heart and a thin wallet a good combination does not make. Several more years of this and I'll be out on the streets 😇😂

[hank75]

9 hours ago, oreos said:

I hope that your regular is doing okay now? If I may ask, do you know how long it took for him to come to terms with the loss (if indeed he has managed to)?

Thank you for asking, it’s been a year and half now (before I met him) and while the grief has subsided there are emotional scars. He still gets choked up talking about his father, was depressed for a long time after, and when I first knew him he had signs of clinical depression. Now he’s back home for an extended period because greedy relatives were bullying his widowed mother and trying to seize their land. All his female siblings work in Thailand too (not in bars) so his mother was alone. 

[hank75]

9 hours ago, oreos said:

It's just a bit frustrating because there's nothing more I can do. Ideally, I'd hand it over in person, but I don't know when I'll be able to see him again, if ever.

If you maintain contact, I’m sure you’ll see him again and then you can hug and spoil him to your heart’s content! 

9 hours ago, oreos said:

the loneliness after returning from bkk

How well I know this feeling and many others here too I’m sure!!

[vinapu]

21 hours ago, oreos said:

On a personal note, may I take this opportunity to thank you for your contributions to this forum? Your posts were the ones that first convinced me to visit bkk and the suggestion that the Thai Tourism Authority erect a statue in your honor isn't that far off, I think.

thank you very much but that's too much. I'm just nobody

[vinapu]

21 hours ago, oreos said:

 Reading about them made the loneliness after returning from bkk a bit more bearable.

 

Best cure for that is to start plotting new trip there, It lifts your spirits and will keep you occupied.

[Keithambrose]

3 hours ago, vinapu said:

thank you very much but that's too much. I'm just nobody

Many a true word spoken in jest!

[jason1975]

On 4/14/2026 at 9:42 PM, hank75 said:

Thank you for asking, it’s been a year and half now (before I met him) and while the grief has subsided there are emotional scars. He still gets choked up talking about his father, was depressed for a long time after, and when I first knew him he had signs of clinical depression. Now he’s back home for an extended period because greedy relatives were bullying his widowed mother and trying to seize their land. All his female siblings work in Thailand too (not in bars) so his mother was alone. 

My guy's grandmother passed away 2 years ago. He was very distraught and asked me to book an air ticket for him from Bangkok to Vietnam immediately the next day. I did as he asked and I offered my sympathies and condolences.

After he arrived in Vietnam, he asked me for US$3500 to pay for the funeral. I declined to send him the money. 

I felt that I had already done my part by booking air ticket for him (about US$300 as it was an urgent booking).

I reasoned that the rest of his family should contribute to funeral expenses and not just him. I believe that he feels responsible based on Vietnamese tradition because he is the only son (he has older and younger sisters) in the family. His father is a retired soldier and currently farms on their family land and earns enough just to get by.

Finally, my last reason was why do you need such a grand funeral? I felt that my guy and his family wanted a grand funeral for the matriach to impress relatives and neighbours and follow the Asian custom of "saving face".

However, I have always been a thrity person and don't believe in extravagant events - whether weddings or funerals. So it was very much a personal stance of mine not to overspend and I stood firm.

I did not say my reasons to my guy of course. I just told him that I was unable to provide additional financial help.

Our Line conversations became awkward for the next few weeks but we still stayed in touch. There were times when I felt guilty and I questioned myself whether I should have helped him.

When we met again in Bangkok a few months later, I said sorry in person to him for not giving him that money for a grand funeral. He said it was ok.

He observed the traditional one year mourning period. He avoided celebrations including a birthday celebration I had planned for him in December later that year.

[Primeone385]

Nothing we can give to someone can replace the loss of a loved one. Our support does help so if that is time, money, or sitting listening to someone talk about the loved one. That is being supportive. Not to long ago one of the boys from brazil that I had met and had fun with. Mother passed away....from what I am not sure. But he was asking people to help him get from germany back to brazil to attend the funeral. I sent him money for airfare. Not enough to pay for a ticket, but something. I wrote Yuri a text let him know I knew how the loss of a parent felt and that if he wanted to vent. I would answer the phone and listen. He was grateful for the support. Sometimes knowing people care is better than financial support.