Question about sending boy money

[oreos]

I would like some advice about whether sending some condolence money (?) to a boy after the passing of his father would be appropriate, welcomed, or if the whole idea is absurd. I did offer (as we send some money in our country even if we cannot attend the funeral and I am of the understanding there is a similar culture in laos), but his reply was vague and left me directionless.

 

For context: we are not of long acquaintance, but at the beginning of a 2-month-long trip that started approximately 2 and a half months ago, we met (or rather we saw each other) at one of the bars, and over the course of my travels I managed to off him 3 times. My only regret was not meeting him more in lieu of other boys; indeed, I was considering flying to bkk next weekend to see him again as I knew that he would return home soon after songkran. Reaching out via Line to check his schedule was when I learned of the passing of his father.

 

He was not the one who proffered this information, but his profile pic was one that suggested of such an event, and I was the one who initiated the exchange. Upon which I learned he had returned only a couple of days I had left bkk, over two weeks ago, and the funeral had already concluded.

 

I have yet to have any friends whose parents have passed (apart from one instance in middle school), and this is wholly uncharted territory for me, made complicated more so by the nature of our relationship. I am fully aware he is a prostitute, it is not a good idea to offer or send money, and that our relationship is likely to never develop past the client-service provider stage. However, I think most would agree that the passing of a father is not a typical event, and despite the aforementioned reasons I cannot help but wanting to help him out during what must be a difficult time to say the least (he is the only son, I think). As insignificant as the gesture must be I cannot think of any other way that would aid him in his grief.

 

I did ask him if he needed anything, and later directly asked him if he needed money for the funeral arrangements or condolence money. His reply was that he is grieving the loss currently and doesn't know what else to tell me. Any further probes from me must feel like a violation during what must be an agonizing time I cannot begin to comprehend, and I am hesitant to reach out again. Any advice on how to proceed, or even just how to provide comfort, meager it may be, to someone who has lost a loved one would be greatly appreciated. Or alternatively, please feel free to tell me how stupid I am to be considering sending money to a bar boy I've stayed together for a total of 3 grand times.

 

 Khop khun mak krap

[vinapu]

1 hour ago, oreos said:

Or alternatively, please feel free to tell me how stupid I am to be considering sending money to a bar boy I've stayed together for a total of 3 grand times.

 

 

You are not stupid. You just want to help somebody who you feel deserved it. Whether you saw him 3 times or 333 , it's irrelevant. Don't overthink it , just send what you feel like. Your good karma will follow .

In beginning of Covid, upon learning boy I met only once but was very impressed with, got stuck in his native Cambodia and took very low job , just to stay afloat, with help of forum friend I sent him  some money. Boy barely remembered me if at all and yet, 2 years later when we met by chance in soi 4  he recognized me then, thanking me several times. Rest i.e. subsequent  multiple offs is just a history

 

[hank75]

You sound like a great guy with a good heart but based on what my regular guy told me about his father’s passing last year, I personally would not send for these reasons:

If he were truly in need he would have taken you up on the offer when you asked, or reached out again once the offer sunk in 

Since he is not respnsive to your offer, asking him again might make him feel pressured to accept out of courtesy. Then you would have to coordinate logistics of getting bank details or him to do cash pick up from Western Union or similar. You do not know if it’s possible to send money to Laos bank account or (if he is from a rural family) if he is anywhere in proximity to a cash pick up point. Your goodwill may instead become a hassle to him especially if you only plan to send a small amount. If you send to his Thai bank account (assuming he has one) I’m sure it would be gratefully received but may not have much impact as his mind is focused on his family and being with them in Laos. Of course if you plan to send a significant amount of money to make the hassle worthwhile, please ignore me but would advise against since you have only met him 3 times. 

When my guy’s father passed unexpectedly his life was completely upended. He felt a tremendous amount of guilt for not being by his deathbed, worry for his widowed mother and mental stress from suddenly becoming the only man in a rural farming household…and he was just a bar boy who had been away from the farm for years. I don’t know your boy’s situation but grief and worry can be complicated. 

My advice is to send him a message saying you’re thinking of him, would like to see him again, and to let you know when he’s back at work. This way he can feel reassured knowing he can make up loss in earnings when he’s ready to return, and his customers haven’t moved on. 

But this is just my two cents and no matter what you choose (even if you’ve already sent money) as vinapu says, a kind heart and good karma will find its way. No wrong choices here. 

 

 

[jimmie50]

24 minutes ago, hank75 said:

you would have to coordinate logistics of getting bank details or him to do cash pick up from Western Union or similar. You do not know if it’s possible to send money to Laos bank account or (if he is from a rural family) if he is anywhere in proximity to a cash pick up point.

I might add here that if he does not have proper documents for working in Thailand, it can get pretty complicated for someone to receive money.  If you go the bank route, you would need his account information for the bank in Laos.  That would be a wire transfer which takes time for him to actually receive the money.  Depending on his bank, he might not be able to access the money from Thailand.  If he is in Bangkok and you send the money via Western Union, without proper documentation he will not be able to pick up the money from WU.  If you send it via WU to Laos and he is in Bangkok, again...he won't be able to pick it up.  Sending money to the guys working in the clubs in Thailand who are from Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Myanmar, etc. and are considered illegals gets very, very complicated.  Your heart is in the right place, but what you wish to do is not easy.  

[vinapu]

4 minutes ago, jimmie50 said:

 Sending money to the guys working in the clubs in Thailand who are from Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Myanmar, etc. and are considered illegals gets very, very complicated.  Your heart is in the right place, but what you wish to do is not easy.  

One of solution is to use  somebody who is already there as intermediary who will hand money over and will get reimbursed or be given money in advance  as those things are easier in our countries. Of course degree of trust is required.  

[Londoner]

Western Union is an expensive but reliable option. The receiver doesn't even need a bank account.

If you want to send money do so, as long as you're not impoverishing yourself....which I assume is unlikely.  You hold all the cards; if the guy is looking exploit you, don't answer communications. If he is appreciatve then good; you have, in Buddhist terms, made merit and this will affect your passage through this life into the next.

Apart from my  partner,  I can think of three recipients of my largesse over the years. I have no regrets: none of them harassed me for extra donations.

 

[jason1975]

@oreos you have a good heart! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰